biography of an asshole

2006-04-28T17:00:00.000+08:00

i know no one is reading this blog but my hands are itching to type something. gosh. this blog has to be closed down real soon. well...i've been saying that for so many months but till now, nothing has been done. blame it on my busy schedule. well, im still schooling. and school is a bitch. i think maybe people who are not schooling or working have all the time to blog. fuck. i wanna take over your place.

actually..there's nothing i wanna blog about. this post is so random. but i still want to type something. okay. lemme c. life is er..okay i guess. i dont have sluts around me anymore as compared to a few months back when i have sluts disturbing my peace. so i guess im happy with that. and..i did kinda well for my common test. not so well though. i wonder how difficult the mid-year would be. and with all the project work, i wonder how i can actually hit the books.

oh yeah. anyway, i think hyrul anuar is cute. like damn fucking cute lah. i dont care all the snide remarks people have given him such as bapoklah..pondanlah..lembotlah..mcm pompuan lah..like what the hell. mepek siak. so what if he's like that? at least he has big talent. oh i forgot. i think you people also have big talents. in BITCHING. =))

but he is so cute. and you should have seen him during the high tea!! trust me. he is cute. and with powerful voice.

okay wadever. now i feel lazy to blog. bye!! but hyrul is cute. =))

hyrul, nat mahal magmahal mo!!

2006-03-23T11:12:00.000+08:00

okay i dont know why im blogging. i dont think people know that my blog even existed and blame it on my M-I-A. i've been cut off from the outside world and i dont know why. im kinda depressed and im still not okay yet, though weeks and months have passed.

school is being sucha bitch. i hate school. fuck it. arghhh!!! but okay, whatever. maybe its just me. i dont know. and i dont care. period.

fir has been telling me about his insecurities and i think im gonna go crazy soon. farah, i so want to strangle both of you!! but yeah. sometimes i dont know what else to say to him that i simply just agreed to everything he said and think. that's to make things short. actually, i kind of understand both parties. so yeah. its pretty tough since both are my friends. one wrong word and people might accused me of rubbish. again. like whatever. fuck it.

and as for me, now that im thinking of it, hindiko alam mahalmo. i dont know. things changed. maybe not. but i dont know. gosh. what's becoming of me? i guess im turning crazy soon. soon. im so fickle. im so confused. nothing seems to make me happy. serious. im not saying this out of boredom. my life is pretty mundane. i get up for school. have laughs with my girls. go home. watch tv. sleep. BORING! ultimate no-no for me. but what to do. people come into my life, fucked my life upside down and now i have no life. sounds soooo interesting. blearrrggghhhh!!!

okay. i seem to have so many bottled up emotions. or should i say, anger and resentment. yes. ANGER AND RESENTMENT. argh. i feel like fucking myself right now. but then again. im giving myself time to heal. like the cliche, " time heals all wounds ". its been a long time since ive been genuinely happy. but yeah. i guess i just need time and space to recover. its not easy to forgive and forget. im waiting for the time when i can finally take of this mask ive been wearing and let go of all the burden. i sooo feel like going on top of a hill or mountain or whatever height and shout out loud to the whole world. maybe that might take off all that has been bothering and haunting me. haiz.

okay. this june hols my filipino cuzzies are coming here for the first time. kinda excited. im happy to be in contact with my roots.

alrightey. got to go now. i'll blog again someday when im stable with myself. when i dont dread about waking up to another day. hopefully, life will be like how it used to be. till then, i think i'll hibernate.

bubbye to whoever reading this piece of my life. tata.

2006-02-08T16:43:00.000+08:00

okay. my blog is as good as gone. but this is gonna be my last entry. cause after everything has settled down, im gonna create a new blog. and this bloody blog can fucking hell get lost.

oh yeah. some joker hacked into my blogger account the other day and posted some craps. guess that person must have loved me so much that he/she even bothered to go through all the hassles to post some shits. but anyway, i dont give a fuck.

many things happened over the last few months but these past few weeks have been relatively okay. no more shits from shitty people. and i can finally say that my life is peaceful now. unless some idiots want to try ruining it again. oh well. like whatever. school has been okay. kinda tiring cause im in year2 and the workload is more. but yeah. i think im coping. life's kinda boring but yeah. i prefer it this way than to be filled with people who will only go against me for utterly no reasons. no offence, but its true. but come to think of it, im kinda glad those things happened. cause it really opens up my eyes. to see things at a deeper level. and most importantly, to be able to realise the important things in my life. like family, true friends and yeah, love. V-day is coming and i've yet to plan anything yet. maybe it'll be simple. i dont know. just dont ask me. whatever it is, it'll be spent with only one person, and that person is fucking special. okay whatever. anyway, i wont deny that there are times when i hate living. when im tired of life. not because im imperfect. but because of those who throw shits at me. i dont mind cause shits always happen, but at least justify it with good reliable reasons. not just based on the fact that you want to kill me. and my life. fuck off you wuss. i hate you. like so damn fucking alot. is it just you? or more? for me to know, for you to bloody hell get out of my life. deal with your own life, not mine. and please, be more witful and clever if you wanna trapped me again. cause its proven you've failed.

and do i miss it? nah. maybe. but i guess i'll rather live my life this way now.

okay people. till i start blogging again, tata for now.

and dont ask me if i'll miss anyone. cause i wont. i've forgotten how it feels to miss.

2006-01-09T16:37:00.000+08:00

sometimes the unexpected happened at the unexpected time. =))

2006-01-05T11:09:00.000+08:00

gosh. my comp is still not okay. so yeah. blogging in school right now. after like so long. anyway i think my blog is as good as gone. fuck. nah. its okay. i'll start all over again when my bloody comp is okay.

recently i went through the archives of bla-bla-bla. wahahaha. laugh my ass off. real funny when i think back of the old times. but yeah. good things have to come to an end. even if we dont want it. anyway, im kinda happy with the situation right now. still living my life as a swingin' single. am i?? wahahaha. =))

school SUCKS!!! i soooooo hate it. im in my 2nd year right now and its sucha busy year, what's with all the projectwork and the lectures and the tutorials and the irritating peeps. A'level is scary. serious shit.

alrightey. better stop here or i'll get shit from my teacher.

tata peepos.

2005-10-26T10:28:00.000+08:00

hello people!!! like at last im blogging!!! blame my absence on my stupid computer lah!! always breakin down for no reason. fuck.

okay so im in school right now. cabut class. i mean, there's no more lesson ann the only reason im attending school today is because i have to collect my results. i've been missin for like weeks man. sticking my ass at home doing stupid stuffs and going out with my lovely friends. and oh yeah, i did well for my promos!!!! like OH MY GOD!!! im sooooooo fuckin happy lah i tell you!! this will be a good excuse for me to stay out even later at night. wahahahahha~!! =))

so school ending this friday. im hoping that all my friends can get promoted to year 2 cause without them, school would be uber boring. please god. just one favour yeah.

erm..nothing much to blog actually. life's been pretty okay. still the same old thang. but yeah, im fortunate that im not having a hard time. lookin forward to meetin khye that sotonjg bakar this friday or saturday. like at last both of us are free.

alrightey. better be going now or im gonna write craps. oh. raya coming rite? so happy advance hari raya and in the mean time, dont stop fasting yeah. i think i should tell that to myself. hahaha.

tata dear friends. love ya people. =))

2005-10-14T17:56:00.000+08:00

wooooohooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! exam's over!!!!!!!! like im sooooooooooooooo fuckin' happy i tell you!!!!!!!! its party time!!!!!!!!

so yesterday after the paper, went out to meet raz and man at town. man was late. and me and raz siang2 dah buke. haha. den i had to send my friend off at the airport cause shes migrating to australia. well....im happy and sad and worried for her. but whatever it is, i wish the best for her and im sooooooo gonna miss her loads!!! =((

after hanging out at the airport till about 9.30pm, me and man sent to the mrt station. then man brought me to watch the airplanes landing and taking off. it was niceeeee!!! we were at this open space where the planes were sooooo near to us. it was great. really. after that went makan at changi village. and then off to bazaar geylang. one word. just one. BORING!! like there were not alot of people and the suasana not the meriah yet. i think i shall go there again on the third week or something. i just find it weird to go to the bazaar if it isnt crowded. okay so after that, went home. reached home at around 11.40pm. then talked on the phone till 2.30am. after that teros tido. my eyes were like toooo heavy ah.

so today im being a good girl by staying at home and keeping myself busy by watching vcds in my room and listening to songs. it was relaxing. after weeks of cramming my brain with soooooo much info, i guess my brain needs alot of chilling.

oh yeah. sometimes its funny how people pay so much attention to your life. how they find it amusing to diss you, thinking they bloody hell know alot about you but the truth is, they know nothing. or even if they do, that info that they know about you is just the size of a pea. yes. exactly like the size of their brains. sometimes i just want to laugh cause i wonder how these people are able to wake up from their bed every single day knowing that they lead a pathetic boring life and knowing that the only way they can derived a short-term happiness is by going to people's blog and tagging some stuffs that they thought would ruin your day. but yeah. the truth is, we dont really care that much. so i guess these people who goes around tagging nonsensical stuffs at other's blogs should sit and think of ways to rejuvenate their boring lives. the reason why the world is going haywire is because we have too much doubts and hatred and jealousy in us. and that isnt good for mankind. im not saying im good enough or im an angel. cause im not. no one is. unless you're the prophet or whatever. but at least, try to have a little respect and dignity for yourself. 30 years down the road when you're old, i guess you will be ashamed at what you're doing now. a little kindness doesnt take much pain. so yeah. and if you just cant be kind for some reason, then the best thing you could do is to shut up and mind your own business. silence is the best medicine. sometimes.

okay people. i dont want to sound like some preacher or what. its just something i feel, and i just want to share it with you readers.

alrighey. shall blog again when im free.

tata dear friends.

2005-10-11T21:10:00.000+08:00

okay. nothing to blog. but life has been pretty great. =))

should i or should i not? hmm.

thursday exam ends!!!!! woohooooo!!!! i fuckin' cant wait to enjoy and party the night away!!!!!!! and yeah, i wanna go job-hunting cause i think its time for me to start kickin some butts. topshop or whatever lah. as long as its a job. and the pay at least 5bucks per hr. okay i know people who knows me will be shocked that i wanna work. yes. get that inside your work. NATASHA'S WORKIN!!!!!!

alrightey people. shall blog some other interesting stuffs next time. take care. and selamat berpuase.

tata~!!!!!

2005-10-06T20:12:00.000+08:00

wahahahahhahahha~!! SOMEBODY GONNA BE IN LOVE AH!!!! WOOHOOOOOOO~!! SAPER EH?? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! im sooooo bloody sure that person is smiling while reading this. wakakakakkakaka~!!

okay im blogging just for that.

tata friends. heart you guys. mwah mwah mwah!!!

and i miss all my goodfriends truckloads. my gilersss too. and my bling blangs. awwww...<3

2005-10-04T20:02:00.000+08:00

hello friends. kinda lazy to update but people have been telling me to at least type some shit.

few things happened which arent worth mentioning. school was fine. ydae cabot school cause i was just in no mood. like what the fuck. exam's next week and im still stuck with this attitude. my mind kinda floating somewhere cause...yeah. stuffs that i didnt expect to happen, actually happened. fucking shit. but like what ria said, i shouldnt and i cant let it affect me. my promo is important. yes i know that too well.

school was kinda great today. for the first time i actually felt good being in school. dont know why. friends made me laugh like mad. especially my fira dearie. kau amek fauzie. aku tetap dgn KHAIRUL ANUAR. haha. im sooooooo having a big crush on khairul lah i tell you. his voice is just sooooooo....awwwww......=)) and he's super duper cute!!! though he's kinda effirminate. but heck. who gives a fuck!! its me and khairul in lala-land!! hahahahaha. farah and ria is sure gonna laugh at me if they happen to read this lah!!

so i should be sticking my butt at home till next week and that spells out B-O-R-E-D-O-M!! but naaahhh..its okay. everything's gonna end on oct 13. oh yeah. talked to farah just now. i kinda miss her. and someone too. but yeah. dont think he even give a fuck. so okay. i have to delete him from my mind. yes.

oh. khye aka sotong jiwang brought me something from k.l. sweet huh.... hm. jgn kotex sua!! haha. thks sotong. baik hati seh kau!!! nak collect pahala ke..

tomorrow is fasting day. hm. gonna try 2 fast as much as i can. mesti kuatkan semangat. haha. dah besar2 ni tak puase betol2 memalukan seh. fast fast fast. insya'allah. haha.

okay before i go. i have to say this. cause if i dont say this, then my mind is never at rest. awak, you think you know. but you dont have an idea. if you think i was just playing around, then you're completely wrong. at least be a gentleman and talk to me about it. dont just leave without any words. if you think i didnt want to rush before this because of that stupid crap reason, then you're completely wrong. you said you TRUST. yeah like thanks so much. now i know what trust actually means. stop thinking you know everything. because you dont. i dont need a chance if you dont want to give it. im not even begging for it. as much as you're dissapointed in me, im even more disappointed in you. if you asked why you ever let me inside your heart, then now im questioning: WHY DID I EVEN MET YOU? you proved to be someone so hard for me to handle. you plead for chances and i gave you. but not even a chance to explain myself am i given. if you think im a killer, then you've murdered me first when you did this. if you think pain is what you wanna give me, then you have succeeded. you left me questioning. and i'll never forgive you for that.

boy. read my heart. then you'll realise you're written all over it. but you chose to be blind. and those writings are what you fail to see. maybe you'll never see it anymore. cause i'll erase it all away. and never am i gonna write it again. you define what hurt is.

i miss you. and everytime i sleep, i wish i dont have to wake up anymore cause the only place i can see you is in my dreams. i wish you had never existed. for feeling for you, i can only blame myself.

2005-09-25T13:43:00.000+08:00

hello people. so been really busy these few days. so yeah. i guess im gonna b m.i.a for the next two weeks.

oh yeah. ydae my good friend smsed me something that made me so sad. he said i've been really caught up in my own world that he felt i was fading away. nono. i'll never forget this good friend of mine who helped me so greatly when i was falling down hard. we share everything and we know each other's darkest secret inside out. he has never judged me even when i made the biggest mistake because he knows who i really am. never once did he listened to the comments others made about me. how could i possibly forget him? nono. maybe its the exam thingy. shall catch up when everything's okay alright dear friend. =)) i miss talking to you and sharing stories and laughing at stupid stuffs and berpantun2. awwwwwww.........

and, ydae i went out with my 2 crazy gfs, nunu and farah. it was a great day i shall say. laughing at stupid jokes and making ugly faces and feeling idiotic and still able to laugh at ourselves. haha. i love you girls toodles. oh yeah. i think i shall post the pics in nx 2 weeks. hehe.

oh. i fuckin miss my gilersss!!! ikin, sha-voxxie and angel. gosh. shall meet up after the exams yeah. love you girliesssss~!!! *mwaaaaahhhhh*

my dad is such a darling today. he made me toast and tea. awwwww...thats like so rare you know. love you daddy. =))

i think in a way or another, im really scared of my life. my future. what would i be? would i be SOMEBODY? would i make my dad stand tall and feel proud of his daughter's accomplishment? will everything be okay? i wonder....

and for some reason, i feel so out of place. gosh. im good at pretending. pretending that everything's smooth. simple plan's welcome to my life explains what i really feel. the emotions in me. fuck. why am i feeling this way? the emo me taking over me. fuck fuck fuck.

okay people. shall blog again in next 2 weeks. or maybe when im free. shall miss you people.

tata.

2005-09-16T21:12:00.000+08:00

hello people.

i dont know why. but these few days i just feel im not myself. i feel down. and though i try to smile, i know im just pretending. maybe its the exam stress. but i feel that something is bothering me. something is wrong. and i have no idea. it feels shitty. fuck.

argh!!! i really feel like jumping off somewhere now. yes. NOW. i feel like a zombie. like a dead person forced to stay alive. wished i didnt had to go through this pressure. but i cant dissapoint my dad. i simply cant. im his only hope. the only one expected to bring home the good grades. if i dont get through this promo exam, i think i wanna just slit my throat than facing him and make him feel so disappointed. fuck. and i used to think A level is easy. i should just squashed my brain for having that thought. A LEVEL SUCKS. ok whatever.

and at this moment of my life, i need someone again. to tell me everything's gonna be okay. okay gotta stop all the emoing. this is so not ME. whatever fuck lah.

tata peeps. gotta get some rest and start to open the books again. maybe.

good night.

2005-09-13T19:08:00.000+08:00

hello there people!!!!

so havent been blogging for a long time cause i've been really busy with school stuffs. promo exam is around the corner and im starting to open the books. i need to!!! i cant bear to dissappoint my dad and myself too. so yeah. gonna give up my free time until OCT 13!!!!! well friends, wish me luck yeah.

by the way, i had a fuckin' great time with farah on saturday. and since tomorrow is carl's bdae, HAPPY ADVANCED BDAE!!!!

okay got to go people.

take care dear friends. tata. =))

2005-09-09T23:32:00.000+08:00

hello people.

okay im tired of blogging. but just now me, nunu and raz saw the murder thing at orchard mrt and we were interviewed!! haha.

tata. and good night.

2005-09-07T15:20:00.000+08:00

hello people. okay been not blooging for the past few days cause im just plain lazy and kinda busy lately.

nothing much happened actually. been going to school for extra classes and catching up with friends. and i've yet to STUDY. fuck lah. i have to kill myself if i fail my promos man. serious.

so yesterday was quite fun. went to j.e library to study but ended up taking pics. shall upload later. then slacked at mac until ard 9.30pm i guess.

today shall be meeting man. have to talk about some stuffs. but im feeling so fucking lazy to get ready. i havent bath also. haha.

oh yeah. i kinda miss afiq seh. like so long never meet him and catch up on our lives. hmm. that dude is always busy. budak jc lah kan.

gosh. life is getting so boring and mundane that i think slitting my throat is the only fun thing i can think of. haha. but nope. i aint doing that. not that stupid lah people.

oh yeah. i think the person imposing as me at my tagboard should be given a cactus to fuck him/herself. anyone kind enough, please go and get it for them okay cause i really have no time for this kind of people. i pity them cause their life must have been such a waste. maklumlah, kiter ni semua manusia. tapi org2 ni anak2 yg keluar dari puki babi. ya allah. lindungilah binatang2 ni semua. amin.

okay friends. got to go now. i think im gonna be late. he's picking me up at 5. and i still havent bath. what the fuck?

alrightey. tata people. have a good day.

2005-09-04T23:07:00.000+08:00

hello there people. okay i better blog fast before my brother comes back.

so yesterday was an uber fantastic day for me. met khye at 5pm at my bus stop. but as usual, i was late. for like 10min only. and then he bising2. say no need to siap lawa2 lah. what lah. dont wear sexy2 lah. haha. that guy is so MEREPEK!! he doesnt even know that 700 goes to town. terok seh!!!!!! so our first stop: LUCKY PLAZA to eat. but i didnt get to finish up my carrot cake. dont know why. he ate chicken rice and kept on complaining why the chicken got bones. haha. then we talked the talk. macam2 cerita sak keluar. like as though we know each other for like 10 years. haha. the after that went to HEEREN to listen to some songs. we kutok2 about girls dressing up like punk rock but listen to r&b songs. basically we were talking non-stop ah and he kept complaining that he felt thirsty cause bebual non-stop. ape je. kalau aku tak bebual langsung padan muke kau!! haha. after that go TAKA to find food. had to queue kinda long to buy cheese hotdog. then he soooooo very bongok go and taste this chemical salt at this box ah. ya allah!!! how dumb can you be man!!! then met ken, ravi, danial, glenn and hamdan outside taka. talked for awhile then i went off with khye to chill at LIDO mac. hamdan and his friends were there too but we sat separately ah. haha. me and khye went people-watching. commented about mats and minahs. and then played the scissors-paper-stone game. haha. happy seh budak tu die menang!!!! mepek seh. nothing better to do. i think we chilled there for like 2 hours until we got out butts moving again cause i wanna meet my friends and he wanna go meet his friends also. go CINELEISURE first cause he wanna go toilet. haha. that guy the bladder got problem sak i think. always wanna kencing. so he sent me all the way to ORCHARD POINT pastu die pon blah. after that i proceeded to MCCAFE with ria, ken, ravi, danial and glenn. buat penat je aku jalan jauh2 pastu kena patah alek. the chilled there and met up with nunu, raz and the gang. after that hamdan and the gang joined us also. talked crap all ah. then nunu's slipper broke again. for the second time. so kesian. but i think she bought a new one ready ah. then i went to eat with the rest minus nunu's gang and hamdan's gang. after that go home. reached home nearin 12. lucky parents never memekak. phew!!!

so today woke up at 5.30pm. tu pon that rizal called just to check if i wake up or not. that guy sakit hati sak. aku bgn lambat pon die bising. he woke me up at 10.30am at first. asked me to go clean the house. mepek sak!!! haha. then he sang a song for me. nasib sak sedap. and my fav song. haha. kalau suara tak sedap aku letak sak fone. haha. did nothing much today. washed up. eat. read abit of my geog notes. then go online until now. BORING!!!!!

and tomorrow, i have chemistry extra lesson from 11am-3.30pm when its supposed to be my one week school hols. what the fuck!!! nevermind. at least i get to meet all my lovely darlings.

okay people. got to go now. have to call raz the sexy bear.

good night people. tata.

p.s: thanks khye for the prezzie. and the iced milo!!

2005-09-02T21:48:00.000+08:00

hello friends!!!

nothing much actually happened. went school today and for the first time, i paid attention during chem tutorials. GO NAT!!! THATS THE WAY I LIKE IT!!! ok mepek. fullstop.

after school met raz the bear at bpp. buy bubble tea then go lot1 cause i wanna find this top but no stock. FUCK!! waste my bloody time. then we just hang out around lot1. like budak bodoh. masok almost all the shops. after that raz had to go cause he wanna watch this play at singapore poly. FUCK LAH I CANT WATCH IT!!! nevermind. at least i get to sleep. slept until like 9+ i think so. before that was talking on the phone with helmi that chubby cute senior cheerleader of mine. SAY ONLY WANNA STUDY BUT THEN TALK TO ME!!! bagos. amalkan slalu okay? haha. oh yeah. met yazid and sharmir too. talked crap here and there. haha. these two idiots never fail to put a smile on my face. =)) but yeah. thanks to them, i left with angry red marks on my cheeks cause they said i've become so much FATTER and CHUBBIER and they kept on pinching my cheeks. especially that sharmir. U'LL GET IT BACK MAN!!!!

so tomorrow shall be heading to town. and i dont know what to do there. maybe sit on the street and help someone iron the hair ah. wakakKAkaka~!! . ok mepek. but that person will understand ah.

okay. i dont know what else to blog. and im lazy too. feel like sleeping again. but NO!! have to study a lil bit of geog. arggghhhh!!!!!

alrightey. good night people. love you all. mwaaaahhhhh*!!!

tata.

2005-09-01T12:33:00.000+08:00

hello people. woke up kinda early today cause that rizal called me just to wake me up. what the fuck??? suke nah kacau org sak jantan tu. takde keje lain eh? haha.

oh yeah. for your info, theres this fucker who's imposing to be "nat" at my tag. i hope you people arent fooled okay. and to the other moronic animals who have nothing better to do but to tag my board with their rubbish, i have nothing to comment. mmg korang dasar anak pukimak. nak buat pe kan? like what khye said, i should feel honoured that people come to my board and spent 30 sec just to tag stuffs which isnt even worth my foot. I AGREE WITH KHYE. totally. kesianlah aku tgk anak-anak babi ni semua.

oh yeah. for some reason, weird things always happen. weird? erm. ok no. not weird. it should be UNEXPECTED NONSENSICAL things. yeah. please ah eh. dont take me like a kid that you can bring for rides. i may be small. but i have brains. and FEELINGS. im human too. in case you dont know. yes. dont trust words. TRUST ACTIONS. im CONFUSED. i dont know what to do. someone please help me.

okay so maybe going out later. around 7 or something. before that i have to study. STUDY STUDY STUDY!!!!!! fuck the books lah.

alrightey dear friends. got to go now. tata~!!!!

love isnt about how you forget but how you forgive.

not how you listen but how you understand.

not what you see but what you feel.

and not how you let go but how you hold on.

2005-08-30T22:11:00.000+08:00

okay friends. i really dont know what to update so feel free to close this window if you dont want to experience boredom.

what am i doing right now? listening to songs. chatting. and updating. like duhhh!!! haha. listening to this emoscreamo song that khye sent me. nice like fuck sial. takleh angkat. haha. saper suro angkat?! mepek sak nat. OKAY IM BORED. i wanna fuck myself now. like thats the only fun thing i can think of right now. wakakakKaKa~!!

oh yeah. HAPPY ADVANCED BDAE TO DINKY!!!! tomorrow you shall get a prezzie from me. sure you'll love it. i swear. haha. =))

eh what to update seh? okay school was alright i guess. had fun sleeping just now cause my eyes just couldnt open anymore. sleep and eat. thats all i know. no wonder that gendut say i so tembam. siak je si hamdan ni. perot kau tu gi kempiskan dulu!!! boyak semacam. tapi takpe. tetap cute. ade bau2 lagik!! aku geram sak biler bebual psl perot kau!! hahahahaha~!!! okay im crappy cause im BORED. fuck lah!

oh yeah. yesterday went to j.e library. supposed to study but i ended up just reading two page of my geog lecture notes. hehe. wanna know why? cause i spend the rest of my hours there listening to songs at alipo's laptop, sleeping, and simply staring at my paper and lost in my own world. haha. fuck me lah. NAT BETTER BUCK UP LAH!! PROMOS COMING!!!! then after that we go lepak at mcdonalds. saw hamdan gendut, zach and adib. then saw them again in the mrt. talked and joked with them. especially that gendut. mepek like always seh. his hair so cute. makes him look like butch!! wakakKakkaa~!!

i wanna sleep. but i've yet to do my gp filing. school is really fucking me up i tell you. motherfucker. SCHOOL IS SUCH A BITCH!!! fuck fuck fuck!!!

okay bye people. my entry is getting crappy and lamer. i wanna go kill myself now cause its just sooooo uber BORING!!!

good night fuckers. haha. pardon the language.

tata.

2005-08-28T18:09:00.000+08:00

hello people!!! im still so lazy to blog. but since im kinda free now, i shall blog.

let me see. alot of things happened. the ups and downs. but yeah. everything's settled now cause everyone said their story. the words let out. the tears shed. the hurt and anger revealed. but im glad that we tried to talk things out though it always happened at a very unexpected place and time. i wouldnt want to say anything anymore cause i think i know who's the one who has been putting words into my mouth and manipulating the whole thing. whatever it is, let that creature be. im like WHATEVER!!! as long as the others know my story, im happy enough. so girls, no more fights and bitchings okay?? we are FRIENDS. =))

so i have to mention again that yesterday was fun. real pure fun with all my darling gilerrsss!!! ikin, angelie and sha-voxxie!!! i love you girls toodles man!! ikin was really late. haha. so while waiting for her, we played games at the arcade. very kental i know. but nothing better to do. and angelie didnt want to go lucky plaza at first but somehow, she had to cause sha's dearie wanted to play some games. then at the toilet take stupid pics. okay khye, u can laugh at me!! haha. the after that we basically just chilled around and took pics and laughed around. it was a great bonding session i must say. and now, im missing all my pretty friends!!! shall meet up again next time ok? but sha and angel, no more j.e library ah. later got that stupid bobo babu singh. bloody fucker. wakakkakaKAka~!! funny right that incident!!! oh yeah. forget to say something. i met the cute alishah yesterday and she was telling me stuffs. cheer up okay? i hope the best for you.

oh yeah. met him. didnt really talk much ah. but yeah. get to meet pon cukup right? heehee. but he's so sweet. super sweet. but im sweeter lah. right right right? haha. okay whatever. but when he starts pinching my tummy, that aint sweet man!! but he's still sweet lah. ok whatever lah nat. mepek sak. gotta stop all this sweet stuffs cause i dont wanna end up sounding mushy or whatever or im gonna puke at myself. eewwww!!!!

so basically just laze around today. was supposed to watch danial's band performing but i woke up late. and my dad also didnt allow me to go out cause sundays are supposed to be a family day. yeah right. FAMILY DAY AT HOME. so uber gerek!!! haha. okay i was being sarcastic. but just now when i was in the living room sitting beside my dad, he said something that made me so sad. no. i wasnt hurt. his words made me realised how much he meant to me. i love you dad. dont grow old too fast ok? we still need you. and yeah. i guess i have to start studying cause i wouldnt want to disappoint him. though we dont get along that well, he's still my dad. and i wouldnt exchange him for anything in the world. no. and never. i love my daddy. my sweet old grumpy dad.

okay alipo. i stick my ass at home all day long and i finished my stuffs. happy? great. dont nag at me okay. good boy.

alrightey. this entry is getting a lil too long and stupid. shall stop all the blabberings here.

tata dear readers.

p.s: and im missing this girlfriend of mine.

2005-08-28T01:26:00.000+08:00

okay im back. computer broke down and hopefully, it doesnt anymore after this.

so i guess everything's okay. talked things out with the people. so to people who dissed me before me, thanks for tagging my blog. i love you guys more than ever. thanks for paying attention to me and my life. and kept on visiting my blog even though i didnt blog for days. what good people you guys are. oh yeah. and to this motherfucker scaredy cat who didnt have the courage to reveal his/her identity, let me tell you this okay moron. AKU NAK PAKAI BEDAK KAT MANE PON SUSAHKAN KAU KE PE? AKU PAKAI DUIT BAPAK KAU KE PE BELI BEDAK? AKU NAK PAKAI KAT PUKI AKU PON APE KAU SIBUK? KAU JELES KE PE KAU PAKAI BEDAK BRAPE BYK PON ORG TAK PANDANG? EH CIBAI, JGN NAK BUAT SIAL AH KAT BLOG AKU. KAU KALAU TAK HAPI DGN AKU PAKAI BEDAK, JGN TGK AH!! MAK KAU TAK AJAR KE PE KECIK2? KAU KALU RASA MUKA AKU KLAKAR SGT, TU KAU PUNYE BAPAK PUNYE PASAL. JGN NK KURANG AJAR AH KAT SINI. TAK HAPI MEH BEBUAL. TAK YAH SIBUK2 TAG. AND TO THE OTHERS YG TAG BOARD AKU JUST TO KUTOK, KORANG SUMER LEBIH TEROK DARIPADA BINATANG AH. OTAK LETAK KAT JUBO KE PE? JGN BIKIN SIAL AH SINI. KORANG INGAT KORANG MULIA SGT KE PE? EH LAC SUA. GI DUDOK ONE CORNER AH. AKU WORST DEN A PROSTITUTE KAT ORCHARD TOWER? EH SIAK AH CAMNE SIAL KAU TAU? KAU PENAH TRY PROSTITUTE KAT SANE KE PE? SEBAB TU KAU TAU STANDARD AKU CAMNE. JGN NAK BEBUAL KONEK AH EH. OTAK MAU PAKAI SIKET AH. JGN PAKAI UTK KUTOK ORG JE. KESIAN SAK MAK KAU PENAT2 GIVE BIRTH TO KORANG JUST TO GET ANAK SIAL YG TAK MENDATANGKAN HASIL. ISH ISH ISH. KESIAN EH. WHAT'S WITH THE WORLD MAN??!! SO GO GET A LIFE. GI TGK DIRI KORANG TU SENDIRI SEBELOM KUTOK AKU KAT TAG. WALAU APA PON, THANKS EH FOR GVING ME ALL THE ATTENTION. MUNGKIN HIDUP KORANG KEKURANGAN ATTENTION LAH. TAKDE ORG NAK PANDANG KORANG. KESIAN. TAKPE. BUDAK2 TEPI JALAN MEMANG CAMNI. BERSABAR JE. MAYBE ONE DAY KORANG AKAN DAPAT ALEK ALL DE ATTENTION YG KORANG GIAN KAN SGT. TILL THEN, BLAH OK? JGN BERSIFAT KECIBAIAN DAN MENGOTORKAN DUNIA NI DGN PERANGAI KORANG YG BABI PON TANAK IKOT.

so today was fun!! went out with all my gilersss and took loads of pics. shall update more later. too tired lah. oh yeah. and i met him. =))

good night people. and to the other fuckers who's gonna tag my board again. love each and every one of you.

tata.

2005-08-22T20:04:00.000+08:00

okay. since everyone whom i thought are my FRIENDS are going against me, then okay. what can i say? you people think you have an idea. but you dont. NOT AT ALL.

people like farah, ria, ernie, razali, alipo and yg sewaktu dengannya. didnt expect you guys to act this way. especially farah. i thought she was the closest girlfriend i ever had. i thought she would understand me. but heck, no. not even a little. so yeah. things have happened. shant comment further. all i wanna say is that i dont want this to happen. it has never crossed my mind. a friendship of four years broken down by something so small that can always be solved but they chose to make it so big. so okay. maybe i had my own fair share of mistakes but it takes two hands to clap.

okay people. nothing else to say. i need time to myself. i need time for everything. feelings need time to develop. and just because im taking a step at a time, people think im playing a game with him. but im not. i was trying. but they didnt give me a chance. okay whatever.

to the hate taggers, continue tagging if you want to.

i love my bling blang so much. thanks girls. friends of a few months could understand me so much but FRIENDS OF FOUR YEARS turned their back against me. friends of a few months believe in me. but FRIENDS OF FOUR YEARS THINK THEY KNOW ME SO MUCH that they come up to their own conclusion. im hurt.

tata peeps.

the road's so bumpy i keep tripping and falling. i bruised myself and im feeling so weak i cant even stand. but the day will come when i'll pick all the broken pieces of me again and this time, i'll make sure i can walk once more......

2005-08-21T17:54:00.000+08:00

okay. im damn fuckin tired now.

yesterday was okay. had a long day. woke up at 7am to go to the school play and then off to ernie's party. reached home around 2.35am. and slept at 4.30am. talked to rizal because i know he's feeling low after i told him what tommy said about his girl. so yeah. whatever is it, i hope things turn out well for this dear friend of mine. seeing him in such state makes my heart sad too. =(( rizal, take things easy okay. things happened for a reason. remember that.

woke up at 12.30pm today because that rizal asked me to accompany him. i know he's feeling so down and lonely so yeah, i forced my heavy eyes to open and rushed to meet him. took the bloody taxi and there goes my $10. pooofff!! just like that. fuck right. but its okay. anything for this great friend of mine. he's always there for me. so yeah. now its my turn. WHAT A GREAT FRIEND I AM.

hmm. i dont know what to say. im lost. im confused. im hurt. im angry. im sad. im pissed. WHATEVER. like as though im the one playing around. im not for goodness sake. im serious all this while. and then YOU had to say all those shits. utterly rubbish. YOU dont know what i felt when i read all those stuffs. YOU think YOU know. but let me tell YOU something. YOU dont know a fuckin shit. YOU dont have any idea. and YOU never will. cause YOU went too soon. too fast. the hurt you caused. the words you said. the decision you made. FUCKIN SHIT. oh well. boys come and go. thats like so normal for me. like WHATEVER. i should have known earlier. again, im stupid. im fooled. DOTS.

haish. if only people know what its like to be ME. if only YOU know. but YOU dont. and YOU never will.

so yesterday was the ending of a new beginning. nevermind. im still alive. im not dead.

okay people. shall blog again later aites. wanna take some rest. im feeling so tired and weak.

tata dearies.

where's my LALA? i miss it.

2005-08-19T22:26:00.000+08:00

im fuckin tired today.

oh. HAPPY BDAE TO ME MISS NATASHA NADIA!!!!! im 17 at last!!!! weeeeeee~!!!!! i dont know why im so excited lah. i mean, age is just a number. but yeah. im still so uber happy and feeling fantastic!!!

the day went on fine. slept during lesson cause i was just too tired. oops. sorry yeah someone. and then, met someone outside my school and headed to town to catch a movie. THE MAID. i wouldnt say its scary. but it sure was very shocking. like for the first time in history, i shouted once while watching a horror movie. and that someone was also scared lah. cover the face with sweater lah. hide behind me lah. move the face away lah. wakakaKakakA~!!! next time dont keep asking me to watch incredible tales when you yourself scared okay? =))

so tomorrow i'll be heading to school first to watch the play. hope it would turn out good. im getting my free tickets from rizal or shaz. weeeeeee~!!!! save 5bucks seh!!! then after that i'll be going to ernie's chalet. too bad i cant overnight this time. but yeah. at least i can have some fun with the people there.

promos coming and i've not even started on any chapter yet. im darn worried. fuck. i have to practice self-discipline and motivate myself. yes. BETTER START STUDYING NOW!!! i hope so ah. hehehe. =))

oh yeah. thks rizal for topping up my card!!!! i was soooooo bloody shocked ah i tell you. suddenly he smsed me asking me to check if the top-up was successful. hehe. is this a bdae prezzie? i dont know. DOTS. and to hamdan for the perfume. its nice. i likeeeee~!! pandai eh kau pilih. nasib ah. kalau tak memang dasar bongok ah if you dunno your own ex-gf kan. haha. and alipo for the chocs. simple but nice and i've finished up the whole thing. yes. call me a foodie. call me a pig. I DONT CARE. I LIVE TO EAT.

okay. my entry is getting lamer ah so i better stop here. wanna jump onto my bed and snuggle. and dream........hehe. about what eh? dont know. =))

tata friends. i miss my LALA.

2005-08-18T22:42:00.000+08:00

my bdae coming!!!! tralalalala~!!! weeeeeee~!!! im turning 17 soon!!! excitednyeeeeee!!! wakakaKakaA~!!

called gendut just now. reminded him of my bdae. haha. tak tau malu kan? nolah. i was bored. so call jelah. then he also in the mrt on the way home from visiting adib and we both were kinda bored to death ah. laugh and joke over some stupid matter. like usual ah. when i talk to him and he talks to me, its always pure crap that makes us ticklish and childish. haharrrr~!!! but whatever it is, he promised me a bdae prezzie. so gendut, aku tunggu ah. kau jgn buay. kalau tak kau turon depan skola kau jugak.

so today nothing much happened. school was tiring. as usual, thursdays are HELL days cause school ends at 3.45pm every fuckin thursday. which is like the latest and i damn fuckin hate it ah. i mean, whats the point of ending late when all of us are already in slumberland by the time th teacher opens his bloody mouth? MILLENNIA INSTITUTE, please use some brains.

so tommorrow catching a movie with someone. the maid. but if the timing doesnt permits, then i guess any show will do. as long as....haha. NOTHING. but i fuckin hell wanna watch that show ah. looks eerie to me. i likeeeee~!!!

saturday's gonna be at ernie's chalet. haish. want to watch a play at school before that but i dont think i can cause i havent buy the tickets. 5 bucks sak. like whoa!!! i can get a meal and satisfy my tummy. ape sak 5 bucks. cekik darah org je. 2 bucks ok pe. hmm. but i still want to watch the play lah. fuck lah. someone get the tickets for me pretty please!!!!

actually i have nothing to write ah. mcm this otak got no idea. but im blogging cause that seems like the only fun thing i can think off right now. i still have to file all my morning reading articles but that's such a chore cause im never neat. IM MESSY. and i hate finding for worksheets yang terselit kat corner2. soooooo LECEH. and bloody fuckin hell a waste of my time.

oh yeah. had dikir just now. OKLAH. not bad. FUNNY. WEIRD. but FUN too with all the peeps.

okay friends. got to go now. my bro is like fuckin me ah. FUCK HIM FIRST LAH! motherfucker.

night people.

2005-08-17T20:52:00.000+08:00

okay. nothing much happened. did my 2.4km just now. 16.02min. okay. it aint my best timing. but yeah. at least i did it. i need to get silver. or i have to retake. so yeah. fuck. i swear those 16min of my life were the most tiring. whats with that malay p.e teacher who keep disturbing me. ape je.... mintak kena tumbuk. mesti kecik2 suke kalau pompuan.

feelings grow as days passed. is this for real? let time reveal the future. but for now, i heart you. yes. YOU. my dearest LaLa. =))

im smiling. SMILING just thinking of YOU. tralalallala~~ i feel like dancing the night away. somewhere. only me and you. hehe.

but i think my eyes are too heavy to even dance. so yeah. i wanna jump into my bed now. NO. not with YOU lah. ish3.....let you appear in my dream and let it last till the morning i wake up. ok whatever nat. just shut up before you start all your bloody fuckin mushy stuffs which makes me even puke reading it. waKakkaKa~!!

nightey night night friends.

2005-08-16T21:19:00.000+08:00

the heart is always in doubts. my heart, that is.

sometimes im afraid. afraid of falling and not being able to pick myself up again.

the past still haunts me. and i fear looking at the future.

what if this isnt the right one? then im hurt again.

what if this is the one im looking for? then im losing out.

confusion surrounding me. im lonely.

i have no one.

everybody's gone.

no one cares what this small heart feels.

no one cares for this little girl trying to find her way home.

no one.

if only they know i need them. now.

if only everything is like how it used to be.

then i'll be smiling again.

and let time come to a still.

if only.

2005-08-16T17:19:00.000+08:00

aloha people!! =))

so how was the day? mine was erm...bad. i've been having bad days. like fuck. maths lesson was terrible. i wanted to cry. seriously. but luckily managed to pull through. geography was better today. not so much stress cause it was basically group discussion about some chemical weathering. oh yeah. had a pantun competiton just now. like hell man. i managed to come up with pantuns every 1 minute but i guess it was crap ah. the theme was seni, budaya and sastera. i was like...whoa!! dunno why but my malay has worsened since the day i stepped into millennia. haharrr. nevermind. its over now. and my team didnt plan to win anyway. so whatever. we were like talking and laughing and doodling when the other teams were busy cramming their heads for new pantuns. but hey, we managed to do it okay!! smart ass lah kan.. wakakaKaaKa~!!!

so went home straight after school. kinda tired. i felt like sleeping in class but i promised alipo i wont so yeah. was trying my best to keep my bloody fuckin eyes opened. nadia was laughing at me all the way cause she said i look funny. hehe. i guess so. then mr ng told this stupid dirty job that made me and fira teros fresh. haha.

mr ng: one day a student from dunno-wat-country came to singapore and her name's windy.

teacher: why is your name windy?

girl: oh. cause i like to blow.

get the joke? haha. nevermind if you dont. but if you do, wakakakAkaka~!! mepekkan? ape je mr ng. but okla. need to give him some points for trying. and at least that lame joke woke me up from slumberland.

oh yeah. one of the bling blangs gonna withdraw from school. i think i know why, though she denies that she's withdrawing due to that dot....dot.....reason. haish. just dont be stupid okay? why salvage yuor education just because of what happened? like...hm. nevermind. all i can say is that you gotta be strong. things happen for a reason. so yeah. this wouldnt prolonged okay. trust me. and it takes two hands to clap. think about it. as for me, im still the NEUTRAL party though i have to admit there are things i dont agree to. whatever it is, i love my BLING BLANGS cause they make school much more fun, fun, fun!!! and i miss my sweet sabby so much!!! school is different without her!! but yeah, we live so near so i can like visit her anytime.

anyway, im starting to miss my LaLa. dont ask me why. im CRAZY. like always. maybe because the emo me is in me these few days. but yeah, LaLa!! wakakAkakaKa~~!!

oh yeah. wanna dedicate this to gendut. relax okay? dont let the past haunt you. you're just hurting april by doing all this. she loves you and that is all that matters now. why bother about that girl who cheated you? i know how it feels like. i've been in your shoes before. but trust me, dont let the past affect the present and the future. dont be stupid. DONT. and NEVER. or you'll regret.

okay people. shall blog again at night. wanna do some stuffs now. and then im off to slumberland. with my LaLa. hahaharrr!!!!

tata dearies.

lalalalalalalalala..i miss you!! =))

2005-08-15T22:42:00.000+08:00

these few days i've been having really bad mood swings. yeah really bad. blame it on the monthly thing. stupid shit.

today's pretty tiring for me. had class test and some last minute assignment and then dikir barat practice. oh yeah. chemistry practical really blew my top off!!! whats with me getting wrong calculations for my dilution and then the bloody lab technician guy keep looking at me. dont know for what ah. bloody asshole. i swear i wanted to shove the pipette up his ass man!! fuckin bastard.

oh yeah. spent time with tutz after school. went to bpp to eat. had a long talk with her. hm. im still the neutral party okay? went home straight after that. reached home ard 9. then sleep. and woke up at 10.

hmm. been feeling lonely these days. dont know why. not physically. but emotionally. i need someone. DOTS. =))

my bdae coming. am i excited? maybe. i dont know. things have not been going my way. but i shall pretend that everything's fine. cause im gonna be 17 only once. and i aint spoiling that day. not even for a moment. i HOPE.

oh yeah. i read "a walk to remember" yesterday. i admit i CRIED. yes. the story is so bloody fuckin hell ROMANTIC and LOVING and SPIRITUAL and TOUCHING and...argh!!! I LOVE IT TO BITS MAN!!! i want to be jaime sullivan and being loved by landon carter. but i dont wanna die. i wanna be with him forever!!! can can can?? pretty please....=))

okay. nothing else to blabber about. wanna watch my darling NAIMA. she got the edge man!! shes the HOT BABE WITH SHORT HAIR!! yes rudin and me cant get enough of her!! shes so beautiful shes rockin my world!! hahaharrr~!!!

alrightey. got to go.

good night sweethearts. *mwaaaaaaahhhhhhhh*

tralallallaa~~ my LaLa and Me. dancing the night away.....

2005-08-14T15:51:00.000+08:00

good afternoon dear friends!! and yes, HAPPY 17TH BDAE TO KHYE NIZAM aka mr aerobics.

okay. to sum up for yesterday, it was BORING. uber BORING. i swear i could sleep and snore on the streets man!! okay. went to school at 8am for dikir barat. it was...erm...weird. then nilam followed me home. met up with fairuz, his barbie, taufiQ, sirhaan and wan at jurong east. had lunch at KFC and watched them jam. oklah..not bad. then met raz at 4.30pm at the mrt station. he was late. for the FIRST TIME. i really thought he had left me. hahaxx. headed to town and met up with nunu, her karlee-bee, firdause and safwan at mccafe. slacked and talked craps. then played pool at lucky plaza. i won!! haharr. all thanks to mr hamdan gendut who used to teach me that game and how to aim and all. life with him last time was all about finding food at taka and playing pool at lucky plaza every saturday. wakaKakA~!! but it was fun. after that i met dinky and alipo at boon lay. didnt want to follow nunu and carl and raz to esplanade cause i didnt want to be an extra. but being with the two guys was FUN. haha. dinky got MISTRESS eh? haha!! but your fringe cute lah. like that superhero in your blog. and DONT forget to put that hantu konek pic on your blog ah!! i'll be waiting!! =)) taufik batisah performed yesterday. woohoo!! pure pleasure man!! TAUFIK IM IN LOVE!! nyahahahahaha~!!! went home after that. TIRED.

im having a sore throat right now and i hate it. it feels like something is stuck down your throat and it makes me not wanting to eat though i want to EAT!! fuck lah. i want to eat cupcorn and strawberry dipped in chocs and drink bubble tea!!!

oh yeah. life has been pretty mundane and boring. and have you ever realised how some friends leave you when they found other friends? yeah. it sucks. it hurts. pure fuckin shit. blearghhhh~!!
okay. i really have nothing to say. my birthday's in five days time and all i wished for is to feel again what i used to feel. fuck.

eh, where's my LaLa? can i miss him? oh shucks. tralalalalla. =))

alrightey people. blog again later. dont miss me yeah. hahx.

i wanna go fuck myself cause im damn BORED. tata.

p.s: lucks to honeygirl and karlee-bee!!! i know you know!!

2005-08-12T23:00:00.000+08:00

gosh. fuckin tired right now. went to town with fira, huda, hidz and shaz. chilled at coffee bean at wheelock place. for like 2 hours i guess. then went to eat at lido. waited for hidz to finish her food and then met ravi and alipo and his two friends near my house area. buy drinks then go home.

haish. gotta wake up early tomorrow. stpid dikir barat. nevermind. at least i have my darlings with me. shaz taught me a few steps. and that hidz laughed when i was practising. haha. see what i mean? blom pon perform dah kena ketawa. haha. ade2 je.

hm. went to ikin's blog and i love her songs to bits. brown eyes by destiny's child. that used to be mine and farah's fav song. hmm......that song makes me sad and emo. fuck.

talked to dinky just now. haha. that dick ah always make me laugh sak. wakakakaka~!! eh dinky, dont forget to put the picture at your blog ah. yang besar tau. kecik2 tak main ah!! =))

i want my LaLa now. pretty please? *butterflies in my tummy* tralalalalla

gilerssss outing tomorrow!!!! cant wait to meet the girls!!!! missing you girls truckloads man!! shall have fun aites.

okay. bro wanna use the comp. and im in no mood anyway. haish. feeling lonely i guess. can i have someone to hug? =(

good night darlings.

drown in my thoughts. wishing someone is here. and telling me everything will be fine once again.

2005-08-12T12:48:00.000+08:00

woohoo~!!!!!!! a new skin at last!!!!!! okay. its not perfect. but yeah. at least its a new skin. (claps) wahahahhahahaha!!!

didnt go school today. okay. i went actually. but i cabot even before p.e began. went to the general office to signout. and had to find my home tutor to inform him. so leceh. and then he was skeptical of me. i think he knows my drama lah. haha.

him: why do u want to signout?
me: oh. im sick. aint feeling well.
him: r u sure? but your face looks fine.
me: im havin stomach cramps. not face cramps.
him: oh. okay. wait here.

haharrrrr!!!! bodohnye cikgu. mestilah muke aku okay. takkan cacat pulakkan. so headed straight home cause i was really feeling lazy to hang out. kinda tired. and yeah, later maybe heading to pasir ris. fira's house. no. not to hang out. but to take UMBRELLA!!! stupid right? okay. i know. haha. =)

farah botero called just to tell me something which is erm, not important at all. like what the hell.

farah: hellooo!!!!
nat: helloooooo!!!
farah: aku kol saje je nak kacau kau.
nat: haha. mepek sak kau.
farah: aku actually nak BERAK.
nat: so u called me just to tell me that?
farah: ( laughing her stupid laugh ) yeah!!
nat: ( laughs and rolls eyes )

see how stupid and silly FARAH SHIKIN BTE ASRAP is? and to think she just turned 17 like two weeks ago!! haha. botero botero.......ish3.

nilam told me something just now. and now im wondering how the fuck fairuz knows about that thing. hm. im dead man. real dead. but nevermind. i trust that he can keep his mouth shut. HOPEFULLY.

no plans yet for tomorrow. having school in the morning. dikir barat. WHAT? NAT DIKIR BARAT? hahahahahaha!!! okay. i know its weird. but im forced to join by my friends and that rizal. sial seh. i just hope no one would laugh at me. yeah. haha.

okay friends. wanna have my lunch. delifrance creamy chicken spaghetti. yummy yum yum!!!

shall blog again at night. maybe. tata for now. :))

2005-08-11T20:16:00.000+08:00

okayyyyyyy!!!!! im back at last!!!! i miss blogging!!!!! i miss chatting!!!!!! i miss friendster!!!!!!

haha. life has been pretty fun. like really fun. lalalalalalalala~

jamming with the DONUTELLES. hanging out with alipo, nunu, farah, raz, carl, safwan, blablabla. watching the beautiful fireworks. eating strawberries dipped in chocs. and bananas covered with almond. yummy!!! lgosh. i didnt realise i had a GREAT time man. nights spent talking to jal. crappy stuffs. berpantun sana sini. haha. so jal dear, now you know the truth right? wahahahahaha :)) better shut your gap. and yeah, where's my charlie and the chocolate factory? heheex. nevermind. shall hang out with you next time okies.

oh yeah. and i wanna kill DINKY for making me laugh since the day he said something real stupid. haha. HANTU KONEK? ape je si dink ni. mepek 24/7. hahahahaha. but im still laughing over it lah!!!! gosh. okay. better forget it. and yes. i'll make sure i play the bass well. wont disappoint you and the other donuts okies? tra-la-la..... :)) and you better STOP disturbing me. giler punye mr-excited-naik-taxi-pegi-esplanade. WAKAKAKAKAKAKKAKA~

oh yeah. saw hamdan gendut, faiq and adib at lucky plaza on saturday. salam here and there and like usual, that gendut will always have something to kacau me. and yes, rambot kau buat kau mcm pompuan seh!!! heherr. tapi cute lah!!! different from your usual jambul. erm. i read gendut's blog just now. he seems to be going through a rough patch. gosh. relax okies? life is so beautiful. enjoy it yeah. and you're lucky you have april. it makes your life so much more meaningful. so smile okay dear friend? :))

school has been really tiring. got alot of things to catch up on. filing and all those shits. but i love school cause my friends make it so much more endurable. i love the bling blangs!!!!! and err... haha...nevermind. my huda darlin' and her mischievious acts. heheex. huda or huGA? hahahaha.
shhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

and where's my gilerssss?? friday or saturday yeah? missing you girls toodles man!!!

okay peepos. shall blog again later. i still have yet to do my geog and study for my chem test tomorrow. argh!!!!!! i hate S-T-R-E-S-S!!! fucking shit.

alrightey. tata for now.

2005-08-02T00:38:00.000+08:00

wahahahaha~!!! yeah...some biatches should rot. right alipo? nvm. fuck care about her. she aint worth your attention. hahaharr~!!!!!

eh awak nak fight through blog? mepek lah idea awak ni. penat tau kiter!!!

2005-08-02T00:25:00.000+08:00

alipo is shy!!! hahahahaharrr!!!!! gosh. why seh?? :))

alah awak..awak pon buat kiter shy seh. haha. apelah.....

and i aint scared of the incredible tales. nvm. we'll see who's the scaredy cat yeah!!!

2005-08-01T20:18:00.000+08:00

HAPPY 17TH BIRTHDAY FARAH!!!

my dearest girlfriend,
i've seen all the changes in you from the past years. from the nerdy bespectacled girl, you've grown to become so much prettier. we may not be as close anymore but i just want you to know that no matter what happen, no matter how far we are, you've always been part of my life. and will always be. i love you lots sweetie. and may the years ahead of you be something that brings in all the good things in life. remember that im always here for you. nothing will ever change that okies. take care :)

so yeah. today is a pretty much tiring day. and for once, im proud to say that i didnt even sleep in class. heherr!!!! first time seh. like whoa!!! but yeah. i have to buck up for my promo exam. aint retaining man. like nono. totally not!! after school went home straight. been so tired after the party. sleep sleep sleep. thats all i need right now. haharr~

i miss my gilerrsss terribly. like we are all so busy with stuffs and have no time to meet up. after exam okies? maybe we can have a sleepover or just spend a fucking great time with one another. my gawd. let time pass quickly so that i can be with you girls man. :))

actually right, i have nothing else to say lah. im just blogging because i have nothing to do. yeah. and i think its time for me to change my blogskin. so yeah. shall do it by this week.

alrightey peepos. dont forget to watch incredible tales. that alipo keep asking me to watch it. like i dunno why also.

gd night dear friends. tata :))

2005-07-31T23:21:00.000+08:00

whoa!!! yesterday spells out fun! fun! fun! like uber fantastic i tell you. with the peeps at farah's birthday bash. life is so exciting....ladidadida~

so tonnin with the peeps are fun. walked around. sleep around. explore here and there. played stupid games. haha. like really stupid ok. imagine a bunch of 17-20 year olds playing nenek2 si bongkok tiga? haha. mepek ah. and playing bubbles? wahahahahaha~!!!

oh yeah. i had 2 play de hoola-hoop during the party. and my competitor was carl. lucky he did worst than me. hehe. malu like fuck sak i tell you. the cake was soft and nice. i ate like really alot. the food was fantabulous. really. i helped to start the fire and barbecued some food. love it man.

oh yeah. sleeping at the water breaker proved to be nice. like real nice. but it was just too cold. i was so tired that i didnt realize i was cuddling jab all the time. haha. then when i woke up i was like, erm..haha..feeling weird and funny. and the only reason why i woke up was because that bloody carl, raz, nunu, dan, farah and yazid were talking about some stupid stuffs like kentot lah..kaki babi lah..and nunu was laughing like a pontianak. and raz kept on singing funny songs. haha. how to sleep? but after that i sleep back ah. for around 10min. on jap's lap. so sleepy ah. takleh tahan.

oh yeah. met lotsa cool and cute guys at the party. me and nunu was like..haha..whoa!!! nunu-rurul?? haha. mentel eh nunu!!! haha. cant help it lah. such eye candies man. so yeah. have to agree that tommy is cute. somebody mesti happy ah aku ckp tommy cute. kan kan kan?? :)

oh yeah. carl just told me something just now. haish. carl darling, think it over okies? i know how it feels like. so yeah. just dont regret. and as for farah dearie, dont be disappointed. smile babe!!

okay peeps. my eyes are heavy. like really heavy. and i havent done my homework yet! like what the fuck man.

so yeah. good night darlings. :))

2005-07-28T00:11:00.000+08:00

i was going through my archives just now. haish. suddenly i feel sad. and empty. like suddenly. and i dont know why. memories came flooding my mind. fuck. just when i wanted to start anew.

i dont know what got into me these few days. like....haish. dont know. things just happened way too fast. and i let my emotions got over me. and i realised i reacted harshly. yeah. i have to admit my mistakes. and now i keep asking myself, why did i acted this way? simply the stupid foolish me.

maybe its just me. yes. i dont know what else to say. like suddenly i realised i was the one who started it. maybe he has his reasons for not telling the truth. i promised to be his friend. and yet, i let my anger and hurt control me. and for that, i can only say im sorry. truly sorry to muhammmad hamdan juhaimi of ite simei of class LD and april. so yeah. thats about it.

i sincerely mean it. the archives really made me realise my stupid behaviour. and one truth that i finally learned about myself: i can never hate the person i used to love. NEVER. i may not love him anymore. but he used to be my love. and its only stupid if i hate him for what he did in the past. i should look at the present.

so yeah. im sorry gendut. i know i reacted childishly. so yeah. i wana stop all the bitchings. theres more to life.

2005-07-27T23:07:00.000+08:00

2005-07-27T22:30:00.000+08:00

hello peepos!! so yeah. hmm. proved that some people are just too afraid to say the truth. and had to be confronted just to admit. haha. what seh. and then still dare to call me pengecut yang cuma berani bebual kat blog je. mak oi. so now ive proven some people wrong. i aint a coward who cant face the truth. or too scared to say what i really feel. i aint a soft-hearted bitch lah. i dont give a fuck if my words gonna hurt cause its better to know the truth then to live a lie. agree? i think any human being who loves being a hypocrite should just slit their wrist till it bleeds them to death cause seriously, the world would be a better peaceful without fuckers who talk big, act big, think they are big but actually so small in the inside. ish. aku kesian seh dgn org2 mcm ni. hidup penuh penipuan. alahai..... :)

oh yeah. im so bloody fucking hell worried about tutz now. she called me crying so badly i could hardly figure out what she was saying. haish. i just hope shes in the right state of mind not to do anything stupid. tutz darling, you have me. we'll go through your sufferrings together okies. be strong baby girl.

i so damn love hudz lah. shes so supportive and funny and amusing and her comments on some idiots are just so damn sarcastic and hilarious!! haha. remember the slut thingy sweetie? wahahahahharr~!!!! you rawk lah girl. giler babi punye rawk!! woohoo!! i love ya babe. :) "you should seriously say this. maybe he has a fetish for sluts. he used to love one, and now he's loving another." wahahahahahhaharr!! thats so sharp man!! like whoa!!

i cant wait for this saturday. farah's birthday bash!!! my sweetie pie girlfriend, happy advanced birthday yeah!! we gonna have fun with the peepos there. and yeah. i'll help put. night shift je ah. no cutting or decorating puh-leeze!!!

oh yeah. when people fall in love, they tend to forget the world. and then start betraying their friends. GIRLFRIENDS. like what the fuck. please ah. its only honeymoon period now. having the same interest doesnt equal to long term relationship. you'll get what i mean soon. erm. maybe in a few months' time? okies. shant be that bad. i'll give it two years. thats it. haha!! :)

btw, i kinda miss him seh. that oh-so-cute guy. really. hmm. ish3. gatal eh nat ni. tak senonoh tau. ape je rindu2 ni semua. mepek lah. alah mestilah mula2 semua miss lah. love lah. syg lah. forever lah. after that, pooofff!! gone just like that. oops!! sape mkn cili die terase pedasnye eh.

anyway, anyone going to the raggae fest? or the punkrock show? fuck lah. i so wanna go.

oh yeah. maybe dropping by carl's house tomorrow or friday cause i wanna visit his mum. i miss her like loads man. shes so niceeee~!!! tralalalala :)

okays. till here only yeah. blog again when im free. nitey my lovely readers.

tata.

p.s: masya'allah. tlg lah jgn terase yg aku maseh dot..dot.. kat kau eh. ish. sori siket. tak kuase aku. bersepah sak corner2. kau ingat aku ni green-eyed monster? haha. bodohnye kau. oops!! isnt that like duhh?! takpe. aku maafkan je dosa2 kau. kanak2 budu lagikan. alahai bucuk2.......

2005-07-25T21:44:00.000+08:00

weeeeee~!!!! im so happy that my computer is okay now!!! uber fantastic~!!

oh yeah. please stop asking me if i still love him or not. the answer is: NO!! I DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE. and in case anyone of you are too dumb to know who is the 'him', its muhammad hamdan bin juhaimi of class LD of ITE College East. do i need to add anymore info? so people like mardiana or whichever fuckers, don't have to call me to tell me about him and that girl. I AINT JEALOUS. eh please lah. im still not blind okay. i have perfect eyesight and i can chose better people. not just "normal" tepi jalan kind. sorry siket eh. I DONT FALL IN LOVE IN JUST ONE DAY AND THEN PUT INSIDE MY FRIENDSTER THAT THIS OR THAT IS MY LIFE. EH COME ON AH. IF THAT PERSON IS REALLY YOUR LIFE, THEN SPELL IT OUT BABY!! OH SORRY. MAYBE TOO BUSY EATING CHOCOLATES THAT CAN MAKE YOU HIGH THAT YOU FORGOT YOUR ALPHABETS. AHAHAHAHARRRR~!!!!! GOSH. IM SO MEAN. BUT I CANT HELP IT. I HATE BIMBOS. LIKE OH-MY-GOD!! PUH-LEEZE!!!!! EH, BIMBOS CAN MEH? I THOUGHT BIMBOS ARE THOSE PRETTY FACES WITHOUT BRAINS? BUT THIS ONE RIGHT, BOTH ALSO DONT HAVE. SO HOW? OH I KNOW. ITS CALLED SUNDAL TEPI BUKIT. ENTAH AKU PAKAI AND THEN CEBOK KE PASTU TERKENA TAIK. MAK DATOK. OTAK PAKAI AH K. KALAU PON NAK LOVING2, JGNLAH KASI PAKAI 2ND HAND STUFFS. KESIAN AKU TENGOK. ISH ISH ISH.

my god. im just so fucking pissed. benda yang penah kite share dulu, tak yah nak buat passing kan? lepas ni saper pulak yang dapat? oh. nenek aku. ahahahahahaharrr!!! kelakar sak. ah ketawe ah. ketawe besar2. macam happy gitu kan? gelak puas2 biar angin keluar so dua2 tak besar sangat. nevermind. we shall see who's the last one laughing. bleargghhhh~!!!!

oh yeah. had a fucking real fun time on saturday with my girliesss and the guys. crazy day out man. like whoa!! its been a long time since i really had fun. so yeah. that was a good start for me. a good single start. so peeps, after this no more question about him okay? he's gone. pooof!! :)

hm. i think i like him ah. no. not hamdan. another guy. haish. how eh? im so unsure of myself. ahahahaharr!! nevermind. i wanna be single and have lotsa fun first. maybe i should just keep on liking him quietly. heeheex.

okay peeps. shall blog again tomorrow. tata~!!!

*sometimes i wonder why i ever really love you. its because im stupid. but now you're dumber.*

2005-07-23T15:11:00.001+08:00

hello people!!! okay. first of all, sorry for not updating. been really busy and my computer broke down again!! and the only reason why im able to blog now is because im at farah's house with nunu. yes. girls day!!!

ive nothing much to say. things has been going pretty well for me. and im enjoying every bits of my life. single is fun. yes. damn fucking fun. no worries. no commitments. no obligations. its just me. my beloved family and my dearest friends. but anyway, thanks for all the support. i really appreciate it. and some of you dont even know me but still, has the heart to show your care and concern. gosh. you guys are just such a darling~!! *mwaaaaahhhhhh*

and as for people who asked me countless of times if i still have feelings for him, its a big NO. why? because ive learned to let go of what that can never be mine again. and im serious. im not saying all this just for the sake of saying. but im sincere. he's nothing to me now but just memories. so yeah. and what's more. he has found someone new. heherr. yeah. its that fast. dont ask me why. but some people are just born to be jerks. so yeah.

so april darling, dont worry. i aint going to steal your sweetheart away from you. im not interested at all. and im damn fucking serious about this. you can have every bits of him. and yeah, im not angry at you or whatsoever. i have nothing against you. NOTHING.

some people just love wearing 2nd hand stuffs even though that thing has a sentimental value to it. like please lah. that thing is bought for me okay. i have it first. i wore it first. and now, you have it. weird right? i would give my guy a slap if i have to wear something that isnt meant for me at first. haharr. life is such a funny world with funny jerks. heherr!!

okay. so later i'll be heading to town. with the girls and meeting up with the rest. i dont know whether im going to join hamdan and the gang. i dont hate him. please dont get me wrong. but some things are better to be left behind and not be looked again. so yeah.

okay peeps. shall blog again when my comp is ready. till then, dont miss me yeah. haharr!!

tata friends. :)

2005-07-23T15:11:00.000+08:00

2005-07-16T12:20:00.000+08:00

the first thing that came into my mind when i woke up was him. like i cant get him out of my mind. i miss him terribly. i feel like crying now just thinking of him.

i feel so lonely now. i have no one. no one to hug me. no one to tell me that he loves me. he's gone. and all i can ask is why? why must he go? i love you hamdan.

im listening to rod stewart's when i need you. maybe im dumb to listen to this song because it really made me cry right now. i feel that he's so far from me now. i wanna be near to him.

god, all im asking for is him. i wanna be with him. i want to have him again. and even if you cant give him back to me, at least give me the strength to move on. to pick myself up and all the fallen pieces of dreams that i once had.

dan,
yesterday you smsed me saying you're sorry for all the hurt caused. its ok sweetheart. i am hurt. but as long as you're happy, then i'll try to smile too. i miss you truckloads. you are all that i ever wanted. i'll never forget you and what we used to share. you are special.

dan,
when i need you, i just close my eyes and im with you. being with you is a gift. and now that you're gone, you took my happiness away. you're my love. my soul. my everything. i'll be more than contented to have you back in my arms. just to look at you and be able to feel your love.

dan,
i admit that i still feel excited whenever i received an sms or a call because i keep on hoping it would be you. but in the end, i disappoint myself cause it's always someone else.

dan,
the day might come when i can finally forget you. but right now, i just want you to know that life without you is tough. you're my pillar of strength and love all this while. it's hard for me. but i'll do anything for you. i love you darling. and i miss you.

again, i have to thank rizal for talking to me till early morning. he was sleepy and tired but he tried so hard not to make me feel empty. he tried so hard to make me feel that everything is the same. thanks my good friend. and to tutz too. for calling me in the morning because she knew i always talk to hamdan. both of you have tried so hard to make my life so normal. and im full of gratitude. i love you guys.

one day, i'll be in love with the right guy again. and he will be mine forever. just like what hamdan used to say to me, " i keep your love in my heart and throw the key away ", i'll say that to the right guy too. except that this time, nothing would get between us. fairytales doesnt always have to be beautiful. and my prince one day would be the only one i'll love till the end of time. and as i walk down the aisle, i make sure i hold him tighter than ever before. losing hamdan hurts me so much. and so i dont want to lose the right guy. love hurts. but i'll continue to search for the right guy. i know somewhere around the world, he's waiting for me. only time will tell.

2005-07-15T18:43:00.000+08:00

ok. before i begin, this is going to be a really long entry. so if you guys dont want to sacrifice your time, by all means, please close the window. thank you.

alright. there's nothing between me and him anymore. we are done and over with each other. on our anniversary. which is yesterday btw. and that sucks. and it hurts. especially when you are not prepared for the worst yet.

he asked for it. honestly, i was so lost. like everything felt hopeless and lonely. the moment he said " i think its better for us to be friends ", my heart stopped beating for a moment. serious. like i dont know what else to say. part of me wanted to save the relationship because i felt that we still deserve a chance and every couple goes through a rough patch. but another part of me felt that i have to let him go if that makes him happier. i dont want him to be unhappy and confused. he means the whole world to me.

the moment he said those words, i felt like everything crumbled. like all my dreams crashed. it felt like a bomb just dropped onto my head. i never knew he was so weak. so weak that he couldnt hold on longer. i thought he cared. but i was wrong. completely. he'll never know how much i love him. simply because he left too soon. too fast.

dan,
i've never got the chance to say what i felt. because you were always busy with your friends and school. and now im telling you everything. at least for the last time.

dan,
everything happened too fast. when i woke up this morning, i was hoping that what happened the night before was just a nightmare. but then i knew that it was reality that im facing. you wanted to be out of the relationship. it hurts me. truth always hurt for some reason. it was hard for me to let you go. you think you know how much i love you. but you have no idea actually. if only you could feel what i feel for you, then only you'll know how deep it is.

dan,
i never thought you want to end it this soon. but ive never regretted loving you. it was a choice that i made. i knew i wanted to be with you. we had to go through so much trouble and obstacles just to be together. i never expected you to let go everything so fast. i thought you treasure what we shared.

dan,
i still keep your smses and letter. and i dont intend to throw it away, because thats part of the memories. part of us. part of what we used to be. i still read it fondly. i dont hate you. and i never will. in fact i still love you alot. remember 16th January? that date may be nothing to you now. but it means everything to me. because you are part of it. and 14th February means alot more to me.

dan,
i still remember the day you sang for me "as long as you love me". 29th January. i used to hate that song. but you made me love it. because that song reminds me of you. of the day that marks the start of almost everything. " i dont care who you are. where you're from. what you did. as long as you love me. " sayang, that's what i feel for you.

dan,
people say time heal all wounds. and i hope it heals mine too. i know ive tried hard enough to be a good girlfriend to you. i gave you your space, freedom, love and care. ive never neglected you. because i love you alot. and you mean more than just love to me. you mean everything. friend, love, companionship. everything.

dan,
remember what we used to promise each other? that we would wait for each other for 9 years. that day will never come. i know because you told me that you arent the kind that will go back to your ex. but i'll still wait for you. because people say some waiting are worthwhile. and maybe mine will. even if god never wants us to be together again, just know that you'll always hold a special place in my heart. i'll never forget the way you used to treat me. the way you used to love me unconditionally. the way you used to look into my eyes and tell me that im the one. you used to make me feel complete. you're the missing piece that completes my jigsaw puzzle. and now that you're gone, i feel empty again. i feel lonely. nothing would ever feel right without you. but im going to try hard to move on. because life has to go on.

dan,
maybe if i could turn back the hands of time, i would never let anything go between us. not even my insecurity. i would hold you tighter. i would make sure that we would be what we used to be. and i would not let you go even if you asked for it. i would make sure that you'll be happy with me. but things has happened. and there's nothing i can do now.

dan,
take care of yourself darling. you know i love you. still. and always. till the day god takes it all away. but i want you to know something. i miss everything about us. about you. and me. the things we share is precious. and the ringing words you said is still ringing in my ears. i'll never forget you even if i live to be a 100. because from the day you entered my life, i know you're special. just think it this way. how can i love my enemy so deeply? thats because you're precious. you're the gift from god. and now that he took it away from me, im prepared to search for it. maybe someday we might be together again. only time will tell. but this love that i feel for you is still so strong and true. im going to miss you alot more. your smell. your touch. your kiss. your stares. and you. the person who filled the spaces in my heart. i sayang you alot.

someday, i know i'll accept the fact that he's gone. i may cry now. but i'll be standing strong again. the worst is not over yet. and my fight is not done yet. but i need to know that someday, everything will be fine. the pain. the hurt. the emptiness. only time will tell when these would go away. i love him alot. and nothing would change the way i feel for him. sometimes, you dont have to be in a relationship to be in love. one day the right guy will come into my life. and this time, i will never let him go, no matter what. i just wish that as i walk down the aisle, the person beside me is my only one hamdan. i know he can make me happy. if only he would try. put me to sleep so that i can meet him in my dreams...

gosh. no more late night calls. no more saturday outings with him. how am i supposed to cope? but thanks to all those who tried making me happy though i broke down several times. rizal, farah, fira, huda, tutz, nadia, shaz, shahmir, yazid and razali. and rizal, thanks for talking to me yesterday till early morning. you made me feel so much better. and im glad things are getting better between you and azie. save and treasure it ok? and yeah. dont feel sorry for me. and thanks too for checking on me in school just now. i appreciate all that you've done for me.

nat & dan
140205-140705

the rings that used to bind us together

the happy moments

rod stewart's when i need you

When I need you
I just close my eyes and I'm with you
And all that I so want to give you
it's only a heart beat away

When I need love
I hold out my hand and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
keeping me warm night and day

hamdan, i love you. i sayang you. i miss you. i need you. i want you. i hug you. i kiss you. i treasure you.

p.s: wan, i think now you're satisfied that you managed to break us up.

2005-07-13T19:52:00.000+08:00

do i want to say anything? haish. i think i better shut up and fuck myself. but yeah. i do think you should have told me earlier and not wait for me to call and ask. nevermind. things happened. aku dah tak kuasa nak cakap pape lagik. cakap tapi kalau tak jalan jugak pon buat pe kan. buat mulot aku berbuih je.

talked to tutz and rizal. they make me feel so much better. really. i feel like so happy just talking to them. thanks for being there yeah my good friends. rizal was like forcing me to go school and study together. sampai suroh naik cab. haha. u pay for me can? wahahahaha~ and yeah. you promised to tell me tonight. dont forget. i'll be waiting. and as for your bbq this sat, erm..i cant promised. but yeah. i'll try to come down. and tutz. your craziness and lameness makes me feel so much better. thanks darling.

i was reading alishah's blog just now. she mentioned that her teacher was with her husband for nine years before they got married. thats like..whoa!! know what? thats what me and him are planning to do. but..haish..i used to feel that he's the right man. he was near to perfection. always there when i needed him. he was so sensitive towards my needs and feelings. he makes me feel like a princess. his calls. his smses. his letter. those things are still so close to my heart. like i miss the way he used to treat me. and i miss the way he would look into my eyes though he knew i would never looked back. he never makes me feel neglected, even when he's with his friends. he never fails to make me feel loved. gosh. i do miss those times. like i wish time would come to a still and let me stay in that moment forever.

but things changed for some reason. dont ask me why. i have no idea. sometimes i wake up and i asked myself, "will we last for another day?" i fear the future. i really do. im afraid of waking up cause i dont know what's waiting for me. like everything is going against me. i miss his voice. telling me that everything will be okay. i miss everything. sayang i miss you alot. especially today.

okay. i guess i have nothing much else to say. i just hope that one day, i can wake up and smile again like nothing has happened. i just hope this moment would past soon and everything would be fine again. i sayang you alot sweetheart.

till i blog again, tata peeps.

2005-07-13T10:57:00.000+08:00

when im with you,

eternity is a step away.

my love continues to grow,

with each passing day.

this treasure of love

i cherish within my soul.

how much i love you,

you'll never know.

so these seven words,

i pray you hold it true.

" Forever and always,

I will love you. "

okayy. no school today. cause i have no paper. uber greatness i tell you. but i have my maths paper tomorrow. and i have not even touched a single thing. heherr!!

been thinking alot today of all the things that has happened. gosh. really alot seh. but i think im stronger now. i think ah. i really dont know what to do already. am i supposed to give up? am i supposed to stay? how long will this waiting end? fuck.

btw, tomorrow's our 5th month anniversary. i used to be excited when the date 14 comes every month. but not for this month. too much has happened and it only left me wondering if we can get to the 14th of next month. the thought of it scares me. but haish. whatever happen is fate. fuck.

guys, im sorry if my entries these days are moody. cause that reflects what im feeling. how long can i smile and pretend that everything's fine, when the future is so vague?

gosh. now i really hate to love. but i love him alot. still. and i miss him like so much. like i wake up everyday and wonder when's the next time i can see him and be with him. haish. life's so tough. ive learned love the hard way. like always. fuck.

people have asked if i regret. no. i dont. regret is such a waste. but if i can turn back the hands of time, then i'll never put myself in this situation. if you guys know what i mean. did i think twice? i did. then where did i go wrong? where did we go wrong? gawd. plz stop this pain now. i hate it. maybe im stupid not to know earlier. i chose to be with him. i dont regret. he's everything to me. but i just feel that things shouldnt have happened. i should have known earlier. i should. fuck.

arghhhh!! i hate myself now. i hate my life. my fucking life. i miss being the old bubbly me. where is the old nat? gosh. i just hope that one day, i'll be strong enough to leave everything. everything that used to be part of me. bleargghh!! i miss him. i miss everything about us.

sayang remember how we first admitted? its so beautiful. i still read all your smses everyday. haish. do i feel cheated? no. but i just wished you were like that again and things doesnt have to change. you know i miss you. and the old times. its memories now. but can you revive that memories for me? for the sake of us? haish. i know you cant. and that hurts me bloody hell. what did i do? tell me and i'll shut up for life. fuck.

ive been hurt enough. this heart aint gonna get smashed again. maybe its my fault. i love you too much. but love isnt everything when you dont feel loved. i wanna smile again. i wanna laugh as loud as i can. i wanna be me. and you be you. and we can be we again. and look at each other and feel butterflies in our tummy. remember what you always said when i asked you if you love me? " of cause i love you. i locked it inside my heart and throw the key away. " i miss your words sayang.

i aint giving up. trust my words. because for as long as this heart loves you, then i'll go even a thousand mile just to get that old we again. this i promise you. fuck.

p.s: rememeber what i used to say? i'll love you till the day God takes it all away... sayang i love you. remember that.

2005-07-12T23:00:00.000+08:00

life's a rollercoaster. yes i know that too well. but i aint giving up so soon. cause at least if i fail, i fail with dignity.

i dont think he's reading this. but if he is, then i just have to say this. i love you sayang. and i miss you. and everything about us. i just hope we can be strong enough to go through all the thick and thin together.

okayy. i have to thank all the peeps who have been trying to cheer me up when im down. firstly, rizal. thanks for the support and the smses and the calls. its great to have someone that i can share stuffs with. and yeah. people may think whatever they want. but you're so nice towards me that i don't know what to do to return your kindness. and then farah. we may not be that close anymore but im glad that you're always there when i need you. to the bling blangs and the gilerss, thanks for lending a patient ear listening to my problems and trying to lift my spirit up with all the stupid jokes and laughters. did i miss anyone out? if i did, then im sorry. but you know who you are. and you'll never be forgotten. yupyupp ;))

alrighey. shall get some sleep now. good night dear friends.

~put me to slumberland. wake me up when the sorrow's end. i miss you sayang. ~

2005-07-12T20:02:00.000+08:00

i miss him alot seh today. like whoa! really alot. haish. when can i meet him? nvm i know. its saturday. and its hellish i tell you.

oh yeah. dearest fira patched up with her guy yesterday. on their 3yrs 3mths anniversary after being on cold war for like 3 weeks. so sweet. he didnt called her at all after they broke and then tibe2, yesterday, he smsed her sweet stuffs. something like " happy anniversary blablabla..." awww.... so sweet!! im melting. then he fetched her from school just now. pasir ris to bukit batok. like whoa!! fira was like so excited before meeting him. and then we like org giler. terpekik2 kat canteen cause excited sgt. mepek kan? im excited for what seh? but yeah. im happy for her. my sweet hyena. hurhurr!!

what can i say for myself? lets hope things turn out well for me.

and yeah. i cant wait for my last paper to end this thurday!! woohoo!!!

THERE'S A GIG THIS FRIDAY, SATURDAY AND SUNDAY AT ESPLANADE. FREE!! 8PM I THINK. PEGI AH. FREE PE!!

~if i close my eyes, would it ease the pain? could i breathe again?~

2005-07-11T21:42:00.000+08:00

guys!!! im back at last!!! my computer broke down a few weeks ago i think. blearghh!!

anyway. has life been better? slightly. but relationship? fuck. dont wish to comment. i just wanna say this. even if you trust a person, that doesnt mean you cant ask that person anything if you hear stories about him. its just for reassurance.

please guys. understand the female species.

anyway. i screwed up my geog paper just now. i slept for like 45min. wahahaha~!! no mood ah. serious.

okayy peeps. blog again tomorrow.

tata. good nitey!!

2005-07-01T23:01:00.000+08:00

gosh. im uber tired now.

okayy. everybody has been asking me the same thing. and im tired of answering the same boring shit. i think what's done is done. i cant do anything. and i dont intend to do anything. im on my way to picking up myself and enjoying life once more. and i dont want anything to come my way. nothing. ive had enough shits.

so yeah. not planning to go anywhere yet tomorrow.

alrightey. my eyes are heavy now.

tata. good night.

2005-07-01T14:42:00.001+08:00

okayy. in school right now with the girls. waiting for detention to start at 3.

what can i say? things will never be the same again.

oh yeah. sab is withdrawing soon. okayy. actually dah withdraw pon. gosh. we'll miss her alot seh. mwahhhhhhh*

tata peeps. shall blog again later.

p.s: eh huda, what's with your entry about me?? wahahahahaha!! fucker lah you!! im so malu lah write now!! meh sini i fuck u with a cactus!! wahahahahaha!!!

2005-07-01T14:42:00.000+08:00

2005-06-28T21:14:00.000+08:00

can i love you for as long as i want? can you promise you'll never walk out of my life? that you'll always be with me through all the good and the bad times? can i just have one wish. just one. God, please. i beg you'll never take him away from me cause only You know everything that's in my heart.

danny i love you loads. now and always. till God takes it all away.

2005-06-28T19:59:00.000+08:00

SAYANG,

THINGS CHANGED TREMENDOUSLY OVER THE PAST TWO WEEKS. WE ARE NOT WHAT WE USED TO BE. WE ARE LIKE IN TWO DIFFERENT WORLD. SEPARATED.

SAYANG,

IF ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT IM FEELING. I HATE IT WHEN I HAD DOUBTS IN YOU. I HATE IT WHEN I SCOLDED YOU FOR NO APPARENT REASON. I HATE MYSELF FOR EVERYTHING. FOR ALL THE SORROWS. THE ANGER. THE HURT.

SAYANG,

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE IM THE ONLY ONE DOING ALL THE WORK IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. IM NOT ASKING YOU FOR MUCH. I JUST WANT YOU TO DO WHAT YOU DID LAST TIME. TO TELL ME EVERYTHING. TO MAKE ME FEEL IM PART OF YOU. OF YOUR LIFE. I WANT YOU TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IM EVERYTHING TO YOU. LIKE HOW YOU USED TO MAKE ME FEEL. I MISS THOSE FEELINGS.

SAYANG,

I KNOW WE ARE BOTH BUSY WITH SCHOOL. THERE'S SO LITTLE TIME FOR EACH OTHER NOW. YOU'RE IN THE EAST. IM IN THE WEST. BUT IM NOT ASKING YOU TO MEET ME EVERYDAY LIKE HOW WE USED TO. I JUST WANT US TO MEET WHENEVER WE CAN. BUT IT SEEMS LIKE WHENEVER THERE'S TIME, YOU CHOSE NOT TO BE WITH ME. YOU CHOSE TO INDULGE IN SOME OTHER ACTIVITIES. I KNOW YOU WANT TO HAVE A LIFE. BUT IS WHAT IM ASKING WAY TOO MUCH FOR YOU? WHERE'S ALL THE PROMISES?

SAYANG,

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU. YOU KNOW THAT. WE'VE COME A LONG WAY. BUT IF ITS TOO HARD FOR YOU TO COMMIT, THEN I DON'T WANT TO BE A BURDEN. I LOVE YOU. AND I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. REGARDLESS OF WHAT CHOICE YOU MAKE.

SAYANG,

I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN. I CANT SAY EVERYTHING OUT HERE BECAUSE SOME THINGS ARE BETTER TO BE SAID THAN TYPED.

SAYANG,

ALL I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW IS THAT I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF MY FAMILY. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE PART OF ME. PART OF MY LIFE. PART OF EVERYTHING I EVER DREAM OF. BUT IF ONE DAY THAT DREAM HAS TO LEAVE ME, THEN AT LEAST OUR PATHS CROSSED ONCE AND YOU MADE ME HAPPY EVEN FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

2005-06-27T23:16:00.000+08:00

i think i suffer from depression. yeah.

2005-06-27T20:41:00.000+08:00

okayy. just came back from school. well, not school actually. heehee.

the fucking school ended at 3pm. timetable dah tukar. like what the fuck. tapi the latest pon 3.45pm. so nvm ah. no big deal. but i want the 1.30pm thingy. malas ah 2 stay in that school long2.

after school went to plaza singapura with hidz and shaz and tutz and sab. walk the walk. talk the talk. window shop too. okayy. i have lotsa things that i wanna buy. anybody wanna sponsor?? hurhur~!!

pastu we makan at long john. me and tutz shared a meal cause we were not so hungry ah. had a long talk with them. haiz. i guess me and hidz in the same situation. yeah. so we kinda understand each other well. i don't know. i just hope i can close this chapter of my life. it sucks. and i hate it. im thinking of putting a stop to it. but yeah, i guess i'll wait and see first. so yeah.

wanna thank these people for lending me an ear yeah. farah, helmi, rizal, afiq, tutz, hidz, shaz, sab, hudz, fira and nadia. talking to you guys make me feel a lil better. yeah.

okayy. feeling kinda down today. so yeah that's all for now.

tata peeps. good night.

2005-06-26T13:54:00.000+08:00

okayy. had a great day yesterday. first met up with my syg and then with razali. eat at pastamania. yummy~!! then watched that hip hop festival. oklah. not bad. some were really good. but tiring ah 2 watch. must stand up je. fuck. then met up with ken, ravi and afiq. heehee. shared some stupid laughter. oh yeah. i saw emily, isha, yana and shaz. pretty ladies i must say. and they were so friendly to come up to me when i bumped into them in the toilet. I LOOK LIKE SITI NURHALIZA? ERM.. HEEHEE.. DON'T THINK SO... but anyway, you girls look great together. yeah. oh yeah. KEN NAUGHTY AH!! ISH ISH. :))

after that chilled out at mccafe. talk the talk. laugh at some stupid stuffs. mepek sak korang. :)) oh yeah. there was a free give out of that coffee drink yesterday. outside tangs. so we took alot ah. like 2 bottles per person?? wahahahaa~ free what. but nice seh the drink. it doesnt have that typical strong taste of coffee. yupyupp :)) i like!! its mixed with tiramisu ah. that's why.

after that, around 10, we all decided to go home although it was still kinda early. afiq ah nak kena alek cepat. don't know for what also. waited for 190 but all 3 buses full sak. fuck. wanted to take the taxi after that but tak jadi. so we took 171 at last. the bus go the longer route. but luckily we all have seats ah. so not tiring at all. inside the bus we talk crap. like usual. about ghost lah. school lah. semua mepek ah. RAVI U WANT NASI LEMAK ANOT? WAHAHAHAHAHA~!!! funny sak. ravi so stupid 2 scare himself off. hehe. ghost no head lah. ghost this lah. ghost that lah. BUT NASI LEMAK STILL THE BEST RIGHT? OR BUFFET INSIDE LRT? HEEHEE. okayy lame. i know. but it was really funny. gendut punye idea ah. MEREPEK 24/7.

then gendut sent me home like usual. we all scared ready seh. lucky below my block got funeral. so tak sunyi ah. very the noisy. sempat gamble seh even though its a funeral. heehee. weird. before i go home, we relac bawah block first ah. malas nak alek. talk the talk. macam2 ah. this and that until around 11.55pm. so yeah. i reached home at midnight. lucky daddy tak bising. he seems okayy with it yesterday. heehee. uber fantastic. :))

alrighey. shall blog again later. not going out today.

7pm got Spiderman at ch5!! don't forget to watch!!

tata peeps. good day.

2005-06-24T23:57:00.000+08:00

fetched him from school just now. then went out with all his classmates for the first time. umm. kinda weird actually. frankly, i prefer the guys cause they were more friendly and chatty. the girls? no comment. some were fine though. but i have to add something. you know he's my boyfriend. don't take advantage just because he's funny and loud. you know three is a crowd. so yeah. if anyone of you intend to have feelings for him or have already developed feelings for him, you know what to do. BACK OFF. thank you. i'm not in that school. but i aint blind too yeah. :))

oh yeah. The GilerS have been complaining that they cant tag my board. yes. i know. what is wrong with my tagboard seh?! can someone help me? I NEED HELP NOW.

i wanna meet my gilers cause i havent got the chance to meet them. gilers, can?? i love you all honeys.

heading to town tomorrow. yeah. am i looking forward to it? maybe. i guess so. but i wanna meet him. i wanna be like what we used to be. the fun. the happiness. im glad we are still standing strong. sweetheart, you know we are going through a rough phase now and we are trying to pull through. i hope we can just endure yeah. thanks for being true and loyal to me. i hope that part of you will never change. i love you truckloads.

school's starting soon. maybe that will take my mind off lotsa things. weeeee~!! i cant wait to see all my darlings. the blingblangs. the blacklisters. we gonna laugh at stupid jokes again okayy? *mwaaaaahhhhhh* yes. pretty please drive my problems away. i know you guys can put a smile to my face. yupyupp :)) oops. but its mid-year in 2 weeks time. and i havent even lay my eyes on any notes yet. heehee~ naughty naughty me!!

okayy. there's alot of things in my mind actually. but yeah, maybe i shall just keep it till i find it too trouble-some. and then i'll blog. heehee~

alrightey. good night peeps. tata.

"There are people who go, people who stay."

i hope you chose to stay with me till the day death do us part.

With you, everything's feel right.

With you, I feel complete.

The feeling of love will never fade cause

Loving you is all i need.

Having you is all i want.

Till the end of time,

I'll love you with all my heart...

Absence makes the heart grow sadder. It's fonder only when the love's real and you play a part in it.

(as quoted by Tee)

2005-06-24T10:37:00.000+08:00

okayy. talked things out with him yesterday night. glad that everything's okay now. shant elaborate much. so yeah. i guess we'll be fine.

Sweet Danny JackAss, i love you...

so im fetching him from school later. im really not looking forward to the train ride. uber boringg i tell you. and weird people staring. like what the fuck. nyahahaha~

gosh. school's reopening soon. MI, here i come!!! haish. am i looking forward or am i not? i don't know. i want to feel up my time with tutorials and lectures but i also don't want to fill up my time with tutorials and lectures. hurhur~ okayy. im crapping. but i miss all my darling friends so muchhh!! nilam, sab, hidz, hudz, shaz, tutz, nadia and fira. gawd.i cant wait to laugh my heart out with you guys!! *mwaaaaaahhhhhhhh*

sha giler and angelie giler, why cannot tag my board honey?? i think its okayy already. should be ah. try again okayy? miss my gilerssss~

okayy. nothing else to say. my blog is becoming more boring. fuck.

alrightey. tata.

~till the end of time, i'll love you with all my heart~

You call me your baby angel. and i call you my sweet perfection.....

2005-06-23T21:20:00.000+08:00

if only you know what it feels like..... to be insecure. to feel different. to feel that i don't belong. to miss the old you. to miss everything we once had.

danny i love you.

2005-06-23T19:38:00.000+08:00

okayy. i wanna start a new life. yes. A NEW LIFE.

i don't need anyone anymore. cause i realise everyone just love fucking my life. i just need the old me. right here. right now.

mummy asked me what's wrong. she knows im going through a rough phase. yes. you guessed it right. NAT IS GOING THROUGH A FUCKING ROUGH PHASE. and i hate it. im scared to wake up now. im afraid of everything. i fear the worst. and maybe its happening. yes. i think its happening. fuck.

shant elaborate more. its heartbreaking lah. really. haish. i keep asking myself 1001 questions. what went wrong? what did i do?

but you know what. i've learned 1001 lessons from all these.

lesson 1: NEVER cry.
lesson 2: NEVER expect the best.
lesson 3: DON'T give EVERYTHING if you don't want to get hurt.
lesson 5: NEVER hold on to sweet promises and talks.
lesson 6: DON'T believe in the best
.
.
.
.
.
.
.lesson 1001: SOME dreams are not meant to happen.

maybe that 9 years will never happen at all......... :((

sometimes i wonder; if you ever really LOVED me, then you would never hurt me. then you would never change.......

~still loving you. and holding on to whatever hope there's left~

2005-06-23T15:46:00.000+08:00

hmm. my parents keep on fighting these few days. haish. my life is hellish. yes i know. thank you.

can someone take me away??

if i tell you that i love you so badly that it hurts, would you be my remedy?

2005-06-23T13:08:00.000+08:00

okayy. don't think im going anywhere today. maybe ah.

gosh. can't wait for school to reopen. okayy. i hate that school. but school fills up my time. and at least i have something to do. unlike staying at home. uber boring you know.

haish. think im feeling better today. i THINK. but yeah, maybe i should just live life a day at a time. if it happens, it happens. if not, then uber GREATNESS. life's a destiny. what can i say?

hm. i havent even study for my mid-year exam. lazy ah. especially geography. i wonder why i took that subject in the first place. should have taken economics. i have interest for that. but geography? DREAM ON!! i hate the fucking teacher too. ATTITUDE LIKE FUCK~!! his lessons are HELLISH i tell you. DAMN BORINGGG!! yes. boring with a capital B and triple G. if you know what i mean. okayy. im just trying to stress out his boring-ness.

yesterday met him. pity him. so tired. siapalah yang takkan penat kalau tinggal kat west tapi skola kat east. and the train ride is FUCKING TIRING i tell you. yes. i've experienced it!! and there were no idiotic asses who's willing to give up their seat for me. i was like praying to god that some samaritan would eventually offer his/her seat. but heck, NO!! like what the fuck.

glad he's enjoying his school. so yeah, just hope he wont be influenced or maybe, stray?? nahh. i have to trust him. like again im saying this. yes. I HAVE TO TRUST. okayy. shant elaborate about this. im tired of convincing myself actually. like i said, I SHOULD LIVE LIFE A DAY AT A TIME. shant think too far. anything that happens, i'll take it as fate. so yeah. nono. i shouldnt blame it on fate. besides, every human decides what they want to do in their life. so if anything happens, maybe i'll take it just NO LUCK IN LOVE. nyahahaha~!! yeah. that sounds better to me.

okayy. shall be gone for now. wanna watch the tv. nono. i aint a couch potato.

alrightey. might be blogging again later. tata.

~ if having you is a destiny, then i wish that God will never take that destiny away.~

2005-06-22T12:59:00.000+08:00

haish. is there something wrong with me? i really feel different these few days. i feel like there's something amiss. but i cant figure it out. can someone help me?

yes. its killing me. im not myself. i know that. im not as cheerful. im pretending to be happy. im pretending to be me. but im not.

fuck. can somebody help me? can somebody tell me what is wrong with my life?

nevermind. only time will reveal the truth.

2005-06-21T12:39:00.000+08:00

okayy. blogger is trying to test my patience. i typed like one whole entry just now and then poof!, its gone. just like that. and i havent even save it or publish it. fuck.

nevermind. anyway, i guess things between me and him are taking a better turn. maybe. let's just see.

so yeah. had a "talk" with him yesterday. through farah. she called earlier and then i just kinda broke down while confiding in her. its just hurtful. yeah. HURTFUL. but talking to her really makes me feel better. i feel like a burden taken off my shoulder. anyway, the weird thing was, i ended up as the one comforting him cause apparently, he broke down. nyahahaha...nevermind. but yeah. i was trying to appear okay because i feel that two people crying wont solve a thing. but what's inside me, no one knows. i was battling an emotion that i myself hate. yes. i hate the feeling of hurt. i damn that fucking feeling. i wont say im perfectly okayy now. because i have to admit that im still kinda hurt even after the apology and the thousand words exchanged. hurt is not a feeling that can just be gone in a second. im sure you guys agree.

so yeah. fetching him from school later. uber far man. i think i can snore inside the train. yupyupp :) hmm. nevermind. maybe things will be better if we meet. i don't know. MAYBE.

im pretty bored for the next three days. can somebody bring me out?

alrightey. shall stop here. i wanna be drown in my own thoughts.

tata peeps.

yes. this pain is still lingering. but as long as my heart continues to beat, i'll give you my love till the day God takes it all away~

2005-06-20T22:13:00.000+08:00

okayy. i don't want to say anything. im kinda...hm...disappointed.

i thought he could make a better answer. don't know lah. no comments.

tata peeps. i wanna be drown in my own thoughts.

2005-06-20T11:38:00.000+08:00

okayy. im uber mad right now. so if this entry is going to be full of stupid vulgarities, please, im sorry.

had a bad dream just now. the moment i woke up, i called him. two times. okayy fine. he didnt pick up my bloody call. so i smsed him. two times. okayy he didnt reply to any of my bullshit msgs. fuck. then i think after like a hellish 35 minutes or so, he called.

me: why never pick up?
him: oh. aku tak sedar that i have smses and calls.
me: then how come you can sedar now?
him: oh. i check my hp. got 6 smses and a few missed calls. from you and wan.
me: you make me really worried okay.
him: [laughs] why?
me: don't know lah. maybe when i enter university or something and all my classmates are malay guys, you'll know how i feel right now.
him: nothing lah. don't worry.

yeah. i shouldnt worry. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. i hate people who puts me in vague situation. putting me in a situation where i don't bloody hell know what's going on. I FUCKING HELL HATE IT I TELL YOU. call me paranoid or whatsoever, but i hate to feel insecure. FUCK. I HATE TO FEEL INSECURE. CAN YOU HEAR THAT? OR DO YOU NEED ME TO EXPLAIN IN TAGALOG? OR MAKE YOU HAVE ULTRASONIC EARS IN CASE YOU'RE DEAF??

okayy. i know that sometimes, it aint your FAULT. i know you've explained why you didnt bloody hell picked up my calls or reply to my smses.but BE IN MY SITUATION, AND YOU'LL KNOW HOW FUCKING IT IS TO FEEL INSECURE. YES. BE IN MY SITUATION. I WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN HANDS.

when just ONE BLOODY GUY talk to me through msn or in school, you get so worked up. when that guy is also my schoolmate. or classmate. you feel insecure when some guys in school came to talk to me. even though i told you their names and introduced them to you. you even feel so scared when you find out that my cheerleader captain is a GUY. SO NOW IM TELLING YOU THIS. WHAT ABOUT ME? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BE JUMPING AROUND IN JOY WHEN 3/4 OF YOUR CLASSMATES ARE MALAY GIRLS??? DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HOLD A PARTY AND CELEBRATE?!

yes. i trust you. to a certain extent. but then again, im also a human being. i had my fair share of being dumped and whatsoever. you know it. you've seen it. unless im blessed with supermodel looks and perangai yang sebaik nabi, then i wouldnt feel insecure at all. BUT NOW, I DON'T HAVE ALL THOSE. GET WHAT I MEAN? I CAN'T BE COMPLACENT. YES. I CANNOT BE COMPLACENT ENOUGH TO THINK THAT MY BOYFRIEND WOULDNT GO FOR OTHER GIRLS.

gosh. i wonder why im being so fucked up. maybe its the bad dream i had. maybe its the insecurity i've been trying to deal with. all these are making me paranoid. making me insane. making me go bonker. fuck. fuck. fuck.

gawd. i do want to trust him fully. i do want to let this insecurity go away. but its hard for me to trust him fully. i know he has showed me that he doesnt flirt with the girls. but that's when he's outside. now he's in school. i can't see what's happening. i won't know anything until he tells me, or some idiots tell me. and school is a fucking place where you mix around with the people everyday and therefore, the chances for you to fall in love is high. HIGH. FUCKING HIGH. FUCKING FUCKING HIGH. BLEARGH~!!!!!!

GOSH. MY ANGER IS STILL NOT RESIDING. NOT AT ALL. DON'T ASK ME WHY. YES. I KNOW SOME OF YOU WILL GO ON AND SAY THAT IF YOU LOVE A PERSON, THEN YOU MUST TRUST THAT PERSON. CAN SOMEBODY TEACH ME HOW??

FUCK FUCK FUCK. I FEEL LIKE KICKING EVERYBODY'S ASSES RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. I FEEL LIKE FUCKING EVERYONE UPSIDE DOWN.

OKAYY I BETTER GO NOW. BLOGGING THIS ENTRY DIDNT HELP TO MAKE MY ANGER FADE AWAY. FUCK. YEAH. I WANNA FUCK THE COMPUTER. CAN I?!!!!

TATA PEEPS. I WANNA GO TRY KISS MY ASS. I WANNA MAKE IT MY NEW HOBBY.

FUCKING FUCK FUCK~

P.S: TO THAT GIRL, THKS FOR ALL THE LIES YOU MADE. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. I HATE YOU. YOU SAID IM YOUR THIS AND THAT, BUT NOW THE TRUTH IS OUT. SHES YOUR THIS AND THAT. NOT ME ANYMORE. FUCK YOU LAH. DAHLAH TAKDE ORIGINALITY AND CREATIVITY. NAK IKOT2 JE.

2005-06-19T18:09:00.000+08:00

gosh~!! im darn tired. where's my sayang??

okayy. uncle bob and his family just left. gawd. its been a long time since they came to singapore. he's my dad business partner and aslo our family friend for like nearing 10 years. gosh. that's long. like when i was seven? and dean is so handsome now. and karina is uber gorgeous. my oh my, what do you expect of them right? thai-caucasian. DAMN THOSE TWO!! GREAT-LOOKING ASSES I TELL YOU!! nyahahahaha. but they are still the same old sweet friends. dean is like three years older than me but he's so nice that i feel like im his sister!! gawd. miss those childhood days when they were still living in singapore. karina's my age but shes so tall i tell you. like 1.73m? i feel like a dwarf!! wahahahahaha~ well, actually there were lotsa times we were supposed to fly to houstan to visit them. but my dad is like always breaking his promises. with the normal excuse that HE CAN'T LEAVE HIS BUSINESS HERE FOR FUCK SAKE. wahahahaha.

omigawd!! my sayang is back home already!!! weeeee~!!! im like totally elated i tell you!!! gosh. now i don't have to keep missing him. great. uber fantastic~!! he called me and sounded so tired. ish ish ish. kesian. nevermind. let him rest. im just glad he's safe. thank god!!

oh yeah. momsie dearest told me just now that shes going malacca next week with my aunts. and asked me if i wanna follow. like what the fuck. why next week and not a few days ago?! bleargh~!! don't think im going cause my gut feeling tells me that malacca is boring. but i wanna go bangkok badly. i wanna shop till i drop. shop, shop, shop, shop, shop!! have you seen angelie's guess bag?! gawd. i've been eyeing for that for soooo long. ANGELIE, GIMME YOUR HOUSE ADDRESS. I WANNA STEAL THAT BAG! WAHAHAHAHA~!!

okay. shall stop all my craps here before i get crazy.

i wanna listen to music. i wanna eat my pasta. i wanna drink my iced chocolate.

tata peeps.

if loving you is a sin, then im the biggest sinner ever.

2005-06-19T14:59:00.000+08:00

someone told me that he needs a girlfriend cause he's lonely. hmm. sorry i cant do anything about it. i think everyone should be comfortable in their own skin before getting someone to love them. if you don't have the confidence to love yourself, then don't expect others to love you too. you don't need the looks. you need the attitude. right?

when i first cut my hair short, there were guys who continued to stay, but there were idiots who ran. basically because they don't like girls with short hair. like what the fuck. im comfortable with myself. its they who feels that there's a problem with me. when there isn't. c'mon, im not going bald. its not like my hair cant grow again. besides, life is too short to worry on whether i look pretty or not, or whether the guys will still be attracted to me after my hair cut. i rather concentrate on those who appreciate me for who i am, and knows that im comfortable in my own skin.

i think if you want to get a lover, you do need to love yourself first.

okayy. woke up really late today. and had my late breakfast. mummy made me some mashed potatoes and chicken croissant. and milkshake. yummy~!! uber full now. but im wondering what's there for munch and dinner? nah. i think i'll skip my lunch since im already bloated. but dinner? hmm. shall call daddy to buy me a meal. pasta maybe?

oh yeah. he's coming back today. weeeeee~!! and he's starting school tomorrow. hmm. nevermind. i shall just deal with these insecurities myself. shant bother him with my stupid nonsensical insecurity. and i need to trust him. yeah. TRUST is the keyword here.

alrightey. shall blog again later. tata peeps.

you call me your baby angel. and i call you my sweet perfection.

2005-06-18T13:45:00.000+08:00

gosh. im so sleepy now. slept like really late yesterday. around 4.30am i guess. watched tv with my brother then read magazines and listened to some bullshit songs. i feel like snuggling onto my bed again, but i can't seem to sleep. there's this stupid construction noise under my block. fuck.

okayy. so im going to meet razali later. at 5. i don't think we'll do much. slacking maybe. or maybe have a light meal. i wanna have my bubble tea~!! mengidam seh..

oh yeah. he called again yesterday to wish me good night. weeeeee~!!! uber uber happy!!! nevermind. he's coming back tomorrow. i hope everything goes fine.

alright. shall stop here.

tata peeps.

2005-06-17T18:17:00.000+08:00

i was sitting down doing nothing when suddenly this question came into my mind.
is it better to be single or attached?

now, don't get me wrong. i don't regret being attached to him. its just a sudden question. and maybe because yesterday afiq asked me that too.

frankly speaking, i don't know. but i do think that love is beautiful. i think love is great. not because im in love right now. its just the feeling. the feeling of loving and being loved. yes, of cause love causes hurt too. but everything cause you hurt if you chose to let yourself be hurt.

love makes you look forward to every single day. you wake up each morning knowing someone is waiting for you on the other line. you sleep every night knowing that someone is waiting for your presence the next day. everything you do, you know someone is always there for you to catch you when you fall hard. and even if that someone fails to catch you in time, you know you always have that someone to nurse you.

this is just my opinion. but i think everyone should give themselves a chance to feel the power of love, regardless of whether you end up getting hurt or not.

besides, life is too short to waste it on worrying. i rather view my life daily and getting loved, than to view life in the long run and end up not feeling loved.

what about you?

P.S: sayang i miss you lahhh~

2005-06-17T14:53:00.000+08:00

weeeee~!!! he called yesterday night from malacca. uber happy to hear his voice. gawd. i miss him loads.

okay. last tuesday i went to watch mr and mrs smith. hmm. the movie is nice, except that you really have to concentrate on every details. lotsa actions. i likeee~!! angelina jolie is one hot lady man!! have you seen her legs?! gosh. slender perfection. yupyup :) okayy. i aint a lesbie. but i envy those legs man! and she looks darn sexy carrying the gun. i think she's born to have a gun in her hand. it's just totally awesome~!!

oh yeah. not planning to go out. not because he's not in singapore. but because i think there's nowhere to go. all i can do is towning. like what the fuck. i wanna do something better. gosh. singapore is darn boring man.

daddy said he might bring us to bangkok and manila soon. but umm.. he always make promises and break them. okayy. i can understand. he can't leave his business just like that. nevermind. as long as i get the bucks from him, i'll shut up. hurhur~!!

gosh. i have so many things to buy. i think it totals up to $400. hm. daddy will sure freak out. hurhur~!! err.. i think slightly more. cause that amount doesnt include the cost of the shoe i've been eyeing for. and this and that. wahahahaha!! it'll be so fun seeing my dad go bald.

oh yeah. i wanna eat at pastamania for so long. don't ask me why. im just craving for the pasta there. and the pizza. and the drinks. and the everything. okayy. im gonna get real fat if i succumbed to all these unhealthy treats. hurhur~!! and then mummy will start nagging and ask me not to gain weight anymore. serious. i used to be plump. like 50kg i guess. then i think i lose my baby fats. and my weight decreased. and everyone was like "nat, have you been eating well? are you anorexic or something?" and i went, "no!! i really don't know what happened. i've been eating like normal. serious!!" hmm. maybe my metabolism rate increased. maybe. but now, im happy to be 45kg. i had to eat like a pig for months before achieving this ideal weight. i was 39-41kg before that. imagine losing 10kg from 50kg!! no wonder my friends freaked out!! hurhur~!!

alrightey. shall stop all my stupid blaberring here. i wanna try sms my sweetheart to see how thing goes for him there in malacca.

okayy peeps. tata~!!

i miss you like the desert misses the rain.

2005-06-16T16:19:00.000+08:00

okayy. im not going out today. uber boringgg~. maybe i shall force myself to read my lecture notes. gawd. im such a lazy bum.

got to talk to him just now before he went. he called me for like 8 times and i didnt hear it at all. gosh. i must have been sleeping like a pig. actually, i stayed up the whole night. err..maybe not the whole. until 4am i guess. i wanted to wait until 6 cause i was afraid i couldnt talk to him. but my heavy eyes couldnt take it any longer so i gave up. thought i could wake up because the phone was just beside me. hurhur~!!! i think god knows i really want to talk to my sweetheart, so at 7.40am, tibe2 terbgn. like all of a sudden. i was like panicking cause i thought he must have left singapore already. but phew!! when i called, he was at kranji. nasib seh. so we talked and exchanged a few sweet words. he was asking me if i would wait for him. hehehz. gosh. that's so rhetorical~!! of cause i would. ahakz. what a stupid question. hehe. joking~!!

oh yeah. chatted with afiq. listened to him pour out his anger and dissatisfaction and then answered like a few stupid questions.

afiq: virgin or used?
me: haha..hm..virgin ah..but if used oso nvm..as long as it doesnt affect me. as in if my partner is not a virgin, it doesnt bother me. so long that he doesnt do it with another girl when he's with me, i don't think i give a fuck.
afiq: gays or lessies?
me: haha..both...as long as the lessie doesnt make a move on me.
afiq: siti or nurhaliza?
me: both!!!
afiq: thks.. shes mine.
me: yayaya...prasan sak..

hurhur~!! stupid questions sak. he's always merepek ah. crappy and lame. haha. but nasib he entertain me ah. if not, i can rot in front of this computer.

oh yeah. 3 more days before gendut's back. weeeeeee~!! can't wait for it. but then again, he still has to attend school on monday. fuck fuck fuck. lesser time with him. well. i think i should look at the quality. not quantity. right?

okayy. shall blog again later. uber hungry. wanna grab a bite now.

tata peeps.

2005-06-15T16:04:00.000+08:00

oh yeah. in case some of you are wondering, my previous entry is not about me and my ex. NOT AT ALL. it's not even about love between a guy and a girl. as i said, go figure.

watched sepet just now. uber sad i tell you. i cried. yes. i cried. the emo me overwhelmed me totally. basically the story is about a chinese guy and a malay girl totally in love. yes, they are totally two different people. the guy is a pirated vcd seller while the girl is kinda educated and modern. umm.. shant elaborate more. go buy the vcd. and i bet you'll cry too. uh huh.

am listening to blue's best in me. haish. im so emo now. so jiwangg. am thinking of him now. gawd. i sure miss him toodles. he's going to malacca for like four days. it feels like eternity. yes. it sure does. im not being mushy or what, but i do really love him. he takes care of me, of my needs. never had a guy like him before. serious. i was a mother to all my previous boyfriends. but he's different. he makes me feel special all the time. and yeah, he has never raised his voice at me yet. even when i sulked too much. or simply being a pain in the ass. gosh. he's uber nice to me. he's not perfect. but he sure is perfect for the imperfect me.

okayy. enough of the lovey-dovey stuffs. maybe i'll be meeting him later. at senja grand. weeee~!!! but i don't mind if he cant make it. i know he's busy packing up. its okay. i can always wait till he comes back. i've waited for four years for him to come by, so waiting for a week is nothing. maybe. umm.. but i'll still miss my sweetheart. gosh. i think the only thing i hate about him is he makes me sound so whiny and emo. wahahahaha.

i think for those of you who ever loved somebody so much, you would understand me. yupyup.

Every day that I'm here with you
I know that it feels right
And I've just got to be near you every day and every night
And you know that we belong together
It just had to be you and me.

'Cos you bring out the best in me,
like no-one else could do
That's why I'm by your side,
and that's why I love you.

sweetheart, have a good time at malacca okayy. enjoy yourself and don't worry about me alright. i make sure nothing bad happens to me. love you loads.

gosh. frankly, i don't want him to go. but i can't be selfish. nevermind.

gawd. i make it sound as though he's going to go forever. as though we are splitting. as though we'll be apart for eternity. when he's just going for a holiday. hehe. blame it on the emo me.

okayys. shall stop all my nonsense stuffs now. might be blogging again later.

tata peeps.

~i'll wait even for another thousand years~

2005-06-13T17:58:00.000+08:00

i get it now. the answer that i've been searching for all this while. for months i've been asking myself, "do i hate 'it'? or am i just letting mixed emotions overwhelmed me?"

but no. i do hate 'it'. i really think so. the disappointment that i felt ever since the day 'it' did that to me. to us. to everything that we have been through before.

i never knew 'it' would give me up for the sake of another person. i never knew that 'it' took us like a barter trade. like an old sweater that no longer fits. something 'it' could discard easily. i never thought 'it' would wear a mask on 'it's face. to cover up the truth that hurts. yes. it hurts. it hurts me badly. and the pain still lingers on till today.

dear it,

you found someone you loved and you listen to whatever that was said. you threw me away because you were scared to lose your love. but have you ever spared a thought for me? no. you think you know. but you have no idea. when you lose that love, you came crying to me. but i was stupid. i was stupid to still be there for you. i could always go. but i chose to stay.

then you found someone better again. someone that you shared everything. and me? i was thrown aside. i was made to feel like a third party. like an unwanted doll. you hold me only when you feel like it. when you don't, you pushed me away. you said you care. that you'll never forget me. that i was silly enough to think that you would give up on me. yes. i am silly. silly enough to think that you actually cared.

somehow, i became a forgotten person. im not the one you looked for anymore. not even a little bit.

if a day ago i was still missing you, but not for now. because i realized who i am to you. a piece of nobody.

things will never be the same again.

P.S: this entry isn't about me and him. serious. its about.....go figure.

2005-06-13T16:43:00.000+08:00

okay. been playing my game boy since just now. im addicted again. gosh. i feel like a kid. hehehz. and yeah, havent eaten yet since just now. im hungry, but because of the fucking ulcer that i have on my inner lips, im refraining myself from eating. the pain is enough to bring me to hell. serious.

gawd. gendut's going to malacca this thursday. for like four hellish day. hmm. i'll miss him loads. really. haish. he'll only be back on sunday. and to make it worse, he has to attend his first day of school the very next day. which basically means that i have no time to meet him. gosh. gonna miss him terribly.

am listening to the musical songs afiq sent me. hehehz. niceee~!! and funny oso. i thought what seh.

okays. blog again later. wanna do my stuffs.

tata peeps. take care yeah.

2005-06-12T13:23:00.000+08:00

haish. im sick today. fuck fuck fuck. i hate to be sick. i hate all the bloody medicines. i hate the sick me.

oh yeah. what should i say about yesterday? hmm. oklah. not bad. but it was my bad-face day and my bad-hair day. really. im serious. imagine having these two at the same time. hehehz.

again, i had no luck in pool. lost to that bloody gendut and razali. and this biatch really dampened my mood. fuck you lah minah. stared at me the whole time. maybe shes a lesbian?! hehehz. but seriously, i so bloody hate people who carik pasal with me for no reason. org2 ni mmg mintak kena sepak! chey. ape je nat ni. hehz. but yeah, she was fuckingly irritating. kening dahlah tipis nak mampos. you might as well make it botak right. i think she's afraid that her boyfriend is looking at me. wahahahahaha~!! oops. okays. i shall stop my prasan here. please lah. im already attached. i have no time to flirt with your boyfriend or whichever guy. i aint a slut. and i don't sell myself for free. even prostitutes doesn't. at least they have the brains to charge themselves, unlike some free cheapos. uh huh.

gawd. im still so angry with that biatch man. argh. fuck fuck fuck. gosh. i really don't want to hate anyone. i really don't want to dwell on this immature staring incident. okays. lets get this straight. i don't mess with anybody's life. so please, don't try to find fault with me. don't. not even a single bit. go get yourself a life. get yourself whatever you want. so long as you don't mess with me, i guarantee you that i won't mess with you.

okay. so after the game, had our lunch. then headed straight to mccafe. i ordered ultimate cheesecake and iced chocolate. yummy~!! uber niceee i tell you. then watched this so-called streetdance. hmm. i like the way this guy dance. really cool, relax and sharp. but the girls, they were abit...umm...attracting attention?! yeah. guess so. sorry to say this. but you don't have to flash your bra all of a sudden. dancing doesnt equal to selling yourself. serious.

yeah. so we went window shopping. hmm. i have like so many things in mind. shall ask mummy for some bucks. ehehz. im really in need to update my wardrobe. actually not lah. i have some clothes that i still havent wear since i first brought them. don't ask me why. im just lazy to dig inside my cupboard. really. uh huh. im eyeing for this hotpants at fox. uber niceee~!! and this white long-sleeved top from forever21. and this handbag from guess?. but i don't think mummy will let me get that handbag. i just bought a mango handbag last friday. fuck. argh. my shopping list is forever growing. but nevermind. there's still lotsa time. i don't really give a fuck about the singapore sale anymore. know why? cause i realized the prices arent so far off from the original. uh huh.

met farah and nunu at mccafe again. for awhile only. then we separated. walked all the way to plaza singapura from paragon. banyak kedai dah tutop. like what the fuck. i thought shops in the town area should closed later than the ones at neighbourhood places. kalau mcm tu, lebih baik tak yah bangga2kan orchard.
hell.

reached home at 11.45pm. talked to him and then went off to slumberland.

okays. that's all for now. today there's a family gathering at my house and all my aunts and uncles are coming over. hate it man. fuck.

alrightey. tata.

2005-06-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

okay. just reached home. uber tired. reached town at 3 and played pool for like nearing 2 hours. oklah. not bad. except for this minah who keep staring at me from head to toe. sori ah siket. aku bukan minah. mungkin kau buta. or just plain dumb.

after getting sick of orchard road, we decided to walk to plaza singapura. the walk was nice. not tiring. in fact, very cooling.

oh yeah. met farah and nunu at mccafe. took pixxies and shared some stupid laughter.

alright. shall blog tomorrow. tired ah.

nitey nitez peeps. tata.

2005-06-11T00:24:00.000+08:00

alright. a new skin at last. phew~!! thanks to afiq for the choices although that lazy bump refused to do it for me. hehehz. nevermind. at least he saved me from the trouble of searching for a blogskin. the only problem now is that im still in need of a nice song. will find one when i have the time.

gendut's still not back yet. hmm. working late. kesian dia. i just hope he's not tired to go out tomorrow. cause if he is, then its going to affect his mood, and in turn, my bloody mood. okay shall wait for him to come back.

guess that's all for now. uber tired. need some rest since i woke up like really early just now. so yeah, that's about it.

good night ya peeps. it's already past midnight so better snuggle in your bed now.
tata.

2005-06-10T21:20:00.000+08:00

okay. so me and sab cabut class just now. we attended only 45 minutes of that bloody boring lesson. hakz. but the weird thing is, i could understand the topic. i wont say its easy. but yeah, understandable.

so we had our breakfast at macdonalds. i had pancakes and a regular fries, while sab ordered sausage mcmuffin meal. we sat there for like two hours. hehehz. our ass are flater now i tell u. nvm. its alwaez flat anyway. heh. oh yeah. we talked alot just now. really alot. biaselah pompuan. full-time gossippers. gosh. didn't know that some girls can be real sluts and yet, has the cheeks to call others "sundal". whatever lah. look at the mirror k? ish3. nevermind. so long as it doesnt affect me, why should i bother about what those sluts said about the other girls?!

oh yeah. went friendster-hopping just now. erm...is that the correct term? hakz. went through the pictures and then i realised that most people like to shiok sendiri. hehehz. no offence yeah. some do look nice, but to the wannabes or yang tak menjadi, seriously its disgusting. doesnt mean u love taking pics mean you can like...hm...how should i say it eh...okay, you shouldnt memalukan diri sendiri. yeah. guess that's the correct term.

and one more thing, don't act to be crazy and talkative and noisy when you're not. like i don't know the real you. blueeekkk~!!! urgh! pukes me to death man.

okay, im gonna change my blogskin soon. afiq just sent me two choices and erm...i don't know which one to use.

okay got to go. wanna do my skin.

tata.

2005-06-09T22:36:00.000+08:00

didn't do much just now. met gendut. eat and then we walked around yew tee. uber boringgg i tell you that estate. i swear i'll never live in yew tee. not in this lifetime.

oh yeah. last sunday the bling blangs, gendut and zul went to support darling fira at cineleisure. she did pretty well but maybe luck wasn't with her. and she was down with flu also. but its ok. to us, fira is still the best.

tomorrow i have to attend school. maths programme. hidz warned me that its fucking boring. ish. that girl ah. make me tak semangat langsung. nevermind. i shall just drag myself to that school. or im gonna fail my maths badly. no way man! im not looking forward to repeating year 1. so yeah, i have to force myself to study, study, study. which honestly, until now, i havent do yet. hahahz. cakap je lebih.

alright. my blog's getting more boring as days goes by. fuck.

okay peeps. that's all for now i guess. kinda tired.

good night. tata.

2005-06-09T13:21:00.000+08:00

am just blogging for the sake of blogging. waiting for my favourite mexican show to start. gawd. i love that show to bits.

okay. so i'll be meeting my gendut. finally. but the time hasn't been confirmed yet. what bullshit. nevermind. so long as i get to meet him, i'll be happy. but err... i don't think im looking forward so much. because...okay, he know i know. nono, we aint fighting. serious. we are really happy. but....okay, nevermind. lets just say my face is one-sided due to unforseen circumstances. hakz.

okay. my show waiting for me.

shall blog again later. when i have the time.

till then, don't miss me yeah peeps? hakz.

tata titi tutu. oh what a crap.

tata.

2005-06-08T16:54:00.000+08:00

We're all born into someone's arms,
And spend our lives searching for that feeling.
A feeling of peace and well being,
Without which life as no meaning.

It was an overwhelming feeling,
When I felt his breathe.
A feeling of absolute bliss,
Something I wouldn't want to miss.

In his arms, he held me tight,
And protected me from the night.
Keeping me warm from the cold,
I'll always have someone to hold.

Make time stop,
Make it all go away
In your arms, I want to stay.

Feeling his heart beat upon mine,
As he held me that night
Was a dream come true
I hope she felt that way too.

He is love, passion, lust, and desire
He is my heart, my soul and fire.
He is love. My love.

gua prasankan lu punye macam memang susah nak dapat ah. sebab tu gua sayang sama lu. kalau tak dah lama gua tendang jauh2. hehehz. love you loads.

see what i said in my previous entry? im so emo these days. ahakz. why oh why? well, things happen for a reason. the same goes for it when the hard-hearted and egoistic nat gets all emo and loving.

alrightey. shall blog again later. haish. this is like my 2nd entry for today. uber boringgg. nevermind. i'll wait for him to come home. tata for now.

2005-06-08T15:17:00.000+08:00

i don't know why im so emo this few days. really. maybe the soft side of me has taken over the hard-hearted me. maybe.

been thinking of my past alot. im not dwelling on the memories. simply thinking of what i had done. the rights. the wrongs. the whatever. maybe the only thing i regret is not studying hard enough for the O level. yeah. i guess i was complacent that time. i did pretty well for my prelims. topped the class. and the teachers always said that prelims are harder than the actual O. so i thought i wouldnt have to open up the books anymore. haish. why did i even have that thought? i should have studied harder. go to a college. make my dad proud. instead, im now stuck in millennia institute. i know im still taking A level, just like those in Jc. but the feeling isnt the same. no sense of pride. no sense of accomplishment. haish.

know what? on the day i had my physics paper, me and farah were still having fun with our hair. i straighten her hair and we watched tv. laughed and laughed. no books open. at all. haish. thinking of that, i miss her badly. yeah. i miss the old times. the moments we shared. where are you now? where are we now? yeah. our lives has taken a totally different path. shes pursuing a diploma in s'pore poly. im eyeing for my A level certificate. gosh. how time really flies. im now turning 17. i feel like it was only yesterday i stepped into my secondary school and made friends. i miss them loads. especially the ones who used to fill up my time.

and yeah, i broke up with carl on the day i had my chemistry paper. gawd. i shouldnt have let that affected me. look what i've got for chemistry. C5. that's bad. i've never gotten anything less than B3. fuck. but its my fault. i cried my heart out. and i lost my good marks. hell man.

i want to say something else. people usually forget what they have when they found something new. they chose to neglect the old, when the old are what bring you to the present. its the same for friendship. you forget your old friends when you have new ones. you feel the need to treat your new friends better, because they are the ones you spending your life with right now. you throw your old friends away, you take them forgranted. all because you think they should be the ones understanding you and your actions. you don't feel the need to give what you've given them before. you expect them to be there for you everytime, but you only find them when you need them. you don't take the slightest initiative to bridge the gap. not even a call just to say hi. simply nothing.

i hope life's better for me now. i wanna put everything behind me. simply because thinking of memories can really hurt. especially if the one you trust the most, the one close to you, the one you share everything, cause that hurt.

alright. shall stop all the emo stuffs. i know its weird for me. i know those who know me will find it funny for me to be saying all these stuffs. but well, i just have to say what i've been feeling.

anyway, love you loads gendut. miss you so much. take care aites?

tata for now. shall be gone till the next entry.

2005-06-07T22:53:00.000+08:00

yes. memories are permanent. i have to agree. you can never erase those moments from your life. especially if you share it with someone who used to fill up the spaces in your heart. someone you used to love dearly. someone with everything you want and need.

even if that person is gone, you can never deny the fact that you once shared a life together. a life full of sweet and sorrows.

these are all the sayings from someone. someone who used to love me unconditonally. i have to admit i never accepted his love. not because im a freak. not because he's a jerk. but because he has a heart too tender for me to take care of. and i don't wanna break it to pieces. though i have. countless of times.

im sorry for all the hurt caused. yes i've changed. but you know me inside out. and only the outer me changed. im still the inner me. yes i am.

thanks for coming into my life. i treasure all that you've given me, though nothing is all i can offer.

2005-06-07T20:08:00.000+08:00

at last i manage to grab hold of that stupid uniform. bloody fucker. jual skirt uniform pon so expensive. $10.80. okay that's a reasonable price but c'mon, the skirt is so ugly!! its worth like maybe 5 bucks? hehehz.

gendut accompanied me today to that school. met him at 11.20am. supposed to be at 11 but its very normal for me to be late. ahakz. nevermind. love is all about sacrificing. yeah. sacrificing your time waiting for this gorgeous girlfriend of yours. heh.

play pool at lucky plaza. i won like only one game. fuck. hes bloody good. but at least i've improved tremendously. yeah. i'll soon win him for every game. hehehz. in my dreams lah! oh yeah. before that we had lunch at al-ameen. at bukit timah. the food's nice. the price's great. but the place is abit too....erm....unclean?? yeah. abit too unclean for me.

so after the game, we walked around town 4 like only 15min. too tired ah. but i wanna have that Mango bag. its simple. simple but nice. and cheap oso. 35 bucks only i think. and i wanna buy a grey or brown contact lens. just for fun. wanna see if i look good with contacts. gendut wanna buy the green one. so i think we terpaksa ikat perot to save some cash ah.

my mid-year exam is after the hols and i've not even revise for any subjects. let me see. maths C. geography. chemistry. hm. i think i gonna open up my lecture notes soon and practice some tutorial questions. i THINK only ah. haha. gosh. im so lazy. i don't wanna school. money money please grow on trees. pretty please. i don't need to school and work then. whoa. what a great life that would be. i can just pluck the money and shop, shop, shop!!! hehehz. okay i better get back to reality. dreams are supposed to be reached at, but this one will never ever happen. for sure. CONFIRM. so i rather dream for something realistic.

like what?? yeah. like everything. go for luxury holidays. shopping at boutiques. have nice car. nice house. american express card. ever-flowing cash. country clubs membership. blablabla. hahahz. i will get all these one day. with my own money. yeah. get that. with my OWN money. i aint materialistic. but a good life is important. money can't buy everything. but i don't want to waste my life worrying about not having enough bucks to feed my myself, my family, to pay for the bills and the high living cost. i want to live life to the fullest. i don't need the best of everything. but i need the best for myself. label me what you want. but you can't deny the fact that you yourself want a good life with good money. and it aint my fault to be born in a silver spoon. fuck. im pissed with my dad for taking everything away. please give me back my atm card, my monthly allowance and my hp!! argh! fuck fuck fuck. i promise you i'll be more thrifty next time. pleaseeee~!!

okay. i shall stop now. the tv's waiting for me. im not a couch potato, but tuesday is a must-watch-tv day for me.

alrightey. tata.

2005-06-06T20:03:00.000+08:00

okay. im in a fucked up mood now. all because of the stupid MILLENNIA INSTITUTE. here's the equally fucked up story. i reached school ard 2pm, only to discover that the sales of the bloody uniform has been postponed to like, after 5pm due to "unforseen circumstances". okay, that's still alright. still can tahan. so me, hidz and ama went to have lunch at burger king at westmall. makan2 and then bebual panjang sampai kol 4.15pm. we headed to school back after that ah. we thought we late cause the bus oso buat perangai. fucked up. we waited for like, erm.. 30min?? and then, okay, this is the part yang paling FUCKED UP!! the sales of uniform is most likely not going to happen soon because the ship just arrived at PSA. apparently, according to the principal, the school uniform is from china. like what the fuck. as if in singapore tak cukup tailor. what if the quality also not good? there goes my money. money that i can spend on better stuffs than the stupid greenish-blue uniform. bingit seh. in short, i wasted like almost one whole day in that old school. hate that man!! i could have stayed at home the whole day and spend my time doing more satisfying stuffs. fuck fuck fuck.

alright. enough said. lets talk about other stuffs. i wanna work. period. i just want to work. don't ask me why. im not short of cash. i just want to waste my time on something that's at least rewarding. gendut will be schooling soon, which means that im gonna be left alone for the rest of my hols. uber boringggg. nevermind. if i cant get a job, i'll plan something else. like maybe just go out 24 hrs to keep boredom at bay. i shall see how things go.

anyway, have anyone of you ever felt that something is wrong but you just don't know what is it? i've been feeling this way for the past few days. i don't know. im kinda confused right now. is everything normal or is it just my intuition? i just feel not right. like there's something happening behind my back. haiz. i just hope everything's fine and its just the stupid me feeling all this awkward emotions. whatever it is, im scared. im scared the past will come back to haunt me. im afraid of the present. and i fear the future. god. help me please. take this feeling away. take it all far from me.

okay. wanna have my dinner now. and my dad is like nagging. fuck. if he thinks i cant help my mum, what about him?? typical male chauvinist. i bet he cant even hold the rag properly. so what if im a girl? does that mean that i have to do EVERYTHING and he, being a male, can just sit down and wait for everything to be served? excuse me, this is not paradise. ini bukan syurga. and im not your bidadari.

alrightey. the food's already waiting. tata.

2005-06-06T02:26:00.000+08:00

gosh. why am i still wide awake at this hour?? i should be in my bed. well, lets just hope he wont be mad at me for not sleeping early as to what i had promised.

well, been bloghopping since just now. thinking of changing to a new skin but im kinda lazy. it takes too much of my precious time to change to a new one.

oh yeah. i have like so many things in my mind right now. shopping, eating, slacking and blablabla. im craving for cheesecake now. yeah, at this hour of the night. or should i say morning?? ok. whatever.

had a stupid lame chat with afiq just now. basically we were just crapping on some stuffs lah. i swear there's no arguments involved this time. haks. okay afiq. u know i know. lets just keep shut.

i wonder if i can wake up tomorrow. kinda lazy but oh well, i need to grab the uniforms as early as i can. though i already have 2 shirts and a skirt. blame it on my kiasu mum. she wants me to get another 2 sets of that oh-so-ugly millennia uniform. fucking school with equally fucking people. okay. except for my friends. i wouldnt be schooling now if its not for my future. blame it on myself. i just cant live the hard way. so school=gd education=gd job=gd pay=gd life. yeah. that's me. i need the money. i need the 5 C's. gosh. im so typical singaporean. but hey, who doesnt want the good life?

okay. my bro's back.

tata.

2005-06-05T23:33:00.000+08:00

fun. totally fun with the girls and the two guys. especially him. heheh. we were basically there to watch our darling fira performed. niceeee~!! except that she was abit shaky at some parts. nervous i guess. and the song wasn't easy to sing as well. if i aint got you by alicia keys. but overall, she did well. woohoo!! went makan with them at long john. okay. only hidz ate. hidz the all-pink girl. heheh. sweet. oh yeah. im glad that gendut got along with all my friends very well. thank god man. and now, im just waiting for fira to sms me with the results. wanted to wait longer for the results but it was tooooooo long. so while the rest decided to go home, me and him went makan at lucky plaza. saw my cousin iqah. whoa! shes sure into japanese culture man. heheh.oh yeah. took loads of pics. shall upload it later yeah.

so tomorrow, i have to go to school to buy uniform. haiz. uber boringgg. i have to wake up like damn early. haiz. nevermind. maybe after that i'll slack with the bling blangs. all hugs and kisses. so long never meet. miss their craziness. heheh.

oh yeah. had a long talk with my mum a few days back. and know what? i just realised my origins. mum said that my maternal grandma is chinese-philippino. i've always known that my dad is malay-indian. but i thought my mum was just a mixed of chinese. hm. weird. like what afiq said. heheh.

anyway, gendut is always tired ever since he came back from sentosa. haiz. i just hope he feels better soon and we can be like normal again. have a very good rest ok sweetheart? i love you loads.

alrightey. shall stop here. wanna wash up now and snuggle onto my bed. nitey peeps!! tata.

2005-06-05T13:40:00.000+08:00

okay. life has been pretty normal. didn't do much actually. basically slacking at home or with him.

yesterday i went to town with razali and him. we met early cause we wanted to play pool. haha. no luck for me. i lost. nevermind. its just a game. had our lunch at dat mat-minah place. the one near the pool place. had dat fucking place. they seemed to have their eyes on people walking in than on their food. weird people. what's with the white glasses now man? horrible i must say. aint nice at all. menyakitkan mata. frankly speaking, people shouldnt follow trend blindly because not everyone is blessed with a gorgeous look like the models' and the oh-so-perfect body, though some are so rake thin and waif-like. we have to be realistic. i know everyone wants to be stylish and fashionable. who doesnt?? but then again, we have to be realistic. we have to see what suits us and what doesnt.
some do look okay with the white glasses but some just look, erm.. funny? i wouldnt be caught dead with anything that look weird on me. like maybe pump shoes?? nono. that is something i'll never wear. because you need great slender legs to pull that look off. and sadly, i don't have those nice legs. hehe. but nevermind. flip-flops work fine for me. i can always kick off those little things and let my feet breath, instead of getting it cramped inside those shoes.

alright. have to go now. heading to town later to watch my darling fira performing. lotsa lucks to u sweetheart. make sure you perform well aites? im gonna scream the loudest for this hyena-like friend of mine. heheh.

okay. tata peeps.

2005-06-02T17:33:00.000+08:00

fuck. can't believe i have to go through this. its so damn hurtful. i have been shedding tears. what?? nat is crying? pain, please go away. are we girls destined to be like this? why oh why? tell me. i need an answer. this pain aint going away. i've tried my best to make it go. people say if you don't think about something hurtful, then you wont feel it. im not thinking about it. i swear im not. but why am i feeling it? why am i feeling the pain? i hate it. argh. nat, u gotta be strong. fuck. fuck. fuck. you arent the only one experiencing it. there are millions, or maybe billions of girls feeling what you are going through now. yes. trust me. they are. you are not alone. you are not the only one feeling the pain of menstrual cramps.

yeah. im not the only one having period. every female has it, and inevitably, we have to go through the dying cramp. argh. i envy the guys. fuck. fuck. fuck. what the fuck? shower me with paracetamol please. ease the pain im feeling. take away the cramps. i hate it.

and to make it worse, im not feeling well today. im down with a back pain, neck pain, headache and nausea-ness.( i think this is the correct term ) gosh. what a living hell im going through. i wanna cry now. i can't hold back the tears. its just so damn painful. it hurts. im not exaggerating. i think the girls know the feeling. for the guys, just imagine a thousand punches on your tummy non-stop. yeah. or maybe worse.

okay. enough of this monthly "illness". where is he? oh. he just called. after such a terribly long rest that makes me miss him so much. glad he's feeling better. don't forget to take your medicines yeah.

went bloghopping just now and came upon this girl's blog. simple and sweet. and yeah, she talks alot about love. her entries really makes alot of sense. for instance, she said many of us start to lose the fundamentals of love after getting into a relationship, and when that happens, what used to be "perfect" seems the other way round. i have to agree with that. i have been through that phase before. i remembered we used to disagree alot when we started out. everything just seems to be going out of our way. a lot of questions we asked silently. why is he always with his friends? why is she always throwing tantrums? why is it we arent what we used to be? theres always unhappiness between us and we wondered. but i'm glad things took for the better. we are happy now. and we don't fight anymore. simply because i know that even if he's out with his friends, he will never forget me. he calls me whenever he can. he tells me of his whereabouts. and i patiently wait for him to come home. he understands my mood swings better now, and tries to shut up when im in those stupid, irritating mood. we have accepted the fact that people changed, and so did we. things will never be like what it was before we got together, but what matters most is that we have not lost passion for each other.

i have to admit there are still those rare times when we feel like kicking each other hard on the butt. but when i think of reasons why i love him and chose to be with him instead of remaining single and date countless of guys, everything seems to be beautiful again.

love you loads my sweet Danny JackAss. *muaaaahhhhhhhh*

chey. im so emo these days! hee. alah once in awhile only. what is so fucking wrong about expressing your love to someone you love? you have to keep those love and passion alive. and i believe all couples should show their love to their partner whenever they can. a simple and sweet whisper goes a long way. trust me.

alright. shall stop here or i will write more craps. tata.

2005-05-31T02:39:00.000+08:00

okay. lets get this straight. this entry of mine is NOT a retaliation to what afiq wrote in his blog. its just a.....well, lets just say its just a form of defence.

lets get it started. firstly, i repeat, it is not and never my intention to get him affected as i expect a 17 year old to take such criticism with an open mind, nor is it my intention to put him down in any degrading way. what's the point of having a blog if you cannot accept such comments? everybody knows that a blog is your personal thought. i swear everybody except an idiot would know that a blog is the owner's property entirely. but then again, readers, being normal human being, has their own opinions too, and no one can stop them from thinking that way. it doesnt hurt to accept criticism, so long it doesnt degrade you to the lowets extent. " kritikan membina merupakan salah satu tangga kejayaan ". if you are stuck in your own world with your own views, you'll never get anywhere. the function of the ears is to hear. hear what people have to say, then think if what they say has some truth in it.

so afiq, a big SORRY if my entries has been affecting you and challenging your ego. it is NEVER my intention to hurt u, or make you angry. but then again, i have to say this, you have always let even the tiniest thing in life affect you. so your reaction to what i have said is something normal. and for that, i pity you.

2005-05-29T20:38:00.000+08:00

Mental Institution Patient

Story-telling time: One day, while they were walking past that hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately orderd her to be discharged from the hospital,as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell her the news, he said."Mary, i have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient,I think you've regained your senses."
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe.I am sorry but he is dead."
The director then left the room without hearing Mary's reply that came too late.
"He was wet, so i put him there to dry" ..."He was wet..."

Proves the inaccuracy of Human's jugdement. Now we wonder is Justice always served?

oh yeah, I have always wondered why people..hmmm..let's be more specific.."Ladies" just ..LOVES... to label another female "Bitch"? Weird. I am guilty of that many a time. But after the anger subsides i just feel endless, internal, suppressing guilt that wouldn't leave me until the next scoop of ice-cream. It's been a long time since i labelled anyone anything. -clears throat- Bitter experience. But really why? Do we get intense satisfaction or any glimspe of happiness...why? It's just a five letter word that was meant for a female dog to have her own individuality. But ya, it was stripped from her and landed in the palm of humans. People start getting so defensive when they here the word "Bitch". Where? Who? Me? Then? So many questions shoot out in a flurry of seconds. Scary. But still.. why? Bitch!..some of them say that to us as though it is suppose to hurt. And still i ask why? Hmmm. the complexity of human beings. So since our lives revolves around the word bitch so much,

Let's try this out.
Paris Hilton is a bitch,
Britney Spears is a bitch,
Bush is a fucking bitch,
Oprah is a bitch,
Monica Lewinsky is a bitch,
Avril Lavigne is a bitch,
Your sister is a bitch,
Your aunt is a bitch,
Your mom is a bitch,
You are a bitch.

How does that feel? Painful? Exactly. Stop it. All of us..for human kind.

2005-05-29T17:24:00.000+08:00

fuck. another boring day at home. practically doing nothing. im out of life. serious. everything is so...argh! what's that word? shit. its not coming into my mind. ok lets keep it simple. BORING!!

no food. no nice shows. nothing. yeah, nothing explains everything.

what have i been doing since i woke up? alright. had my breakfast. yummy. watch some stupid shows. talk to my gendut. sleep. talk with him again. and now im at the computer. bloghopping and friendster-hopping. saw some funny weird people. haha. shant comment further.

oh yeah. im kinda broke too. and its bad. cause great singapore sale has already started. and i don't want to be left out. im gonna force the hell out of my dad to give me bucks.

i miss my gendut today. bloody hell alot. i hate this feeling. it sucks. im sure everyone agrees with me. have you ever miss someone and yet, you can't be with him? yeah. that's exactly me right now. nevermind. i'll get to meet him soon. tomorrow or maybe tuesday? we shall see. miss you loads you gendut.

erm.. should i say this? oh well. what the fuck. he's starting school this 20th june. im scared. darn scared. what if he forgets me? what if he leaves me? fuck. fuck. fuck. i trust him. i bloody hell do. its just an insecurity i have to learn to deal with. omigawd. i really hope nothing will happen to our relationship. i have to have faith in him. in us. in this relationship. love you sweetheart. keep to your words will you?

okay. my tummy growling for food now. hell man. i hope mummy comes home with food. or at least bread.

anyway. as time goes by, my hatred for millennia grows man. actually, its not the school. but the people. fuckers like w**a. i don't give a fuck if whoever wants to tell her cause she thinks shes the best. she thinks shes perfect and can diss people. look her you asshole, you are just a normal human being like us. you think you're so big and cool just because you play rugby? fuck my ass slut!! wait, better not!! i don't even want you to come near me. it stinks. i don't want you to dirty my ass. i rather u fuck a dead dog. THERE'S NO BIG DEAL IN PLAYING RUGBY!!! WHY NOT PLAY WITH A TREE? it makes your hole bigger. trust me.

alright. shall stop here. kinda tired right now. shall look for something to fill my tummy. tata.

2005-05-28T14:53:00.000+08:00

okay. im keeping to my words. im not going to step into town today. for the first time in many many months. saturday used to be going-to-town day. but that won't happen now. at least for today. only. i guess.

so, im going to have my early dinner with gendut today. at banquet. greenridge mall. just nearby to my house. kinda lazy to go anywhere further. im damn tired from all the cheerleading practices. lethargy is getting me. but i aint giving in. i have to keep up with my youth. energetic me, here i come!!

nothing interesting in my life basically. for now. everything is so monotonous. so predictable. life is a bore man. nono. i can't be right. life is beautiful. its only that i have nothing to do. and even if i have something in mind, there's 1001 things i have to consider before doing anything.

oh yeah. i was reading afiq's blog. hm, i think the content are fine, but he's trying too hard to appear complicated and bombastic with all the languages and the vague ideas. sorry fiq. don't mean to criticise. or appear rude. im not against you or anything. its just that, simplicity is great. keep it simple. readers like to read something easy. it may not be straightforward. it can still be testing the readers' mind. even the most simple ideas and language can tease the brain. think about it.

no more madrasah. which means my sundays are comletely a resting day. no going out. unless its something urgent. period.

alright. tired of blogging shits. tata.

2005-05-27T23:24:00.000+08:00

omigawd. its been so long since i last blogged. been really really busy with cheerleading and catching up with some stuffs.

okay. millennians had their sports day at toa payoh stadium just now. overall, it was kinda fun and happening. yeah, so my cheerleading team won the second position. GO ZIRCON!! it was really unexpected. we changed quite a few steps yesterday so we were damn nervous today. but thank god everything turned out fine. except for a few fucked up inevitable cases. shikin couldn't flip last minute. but nevermind. its not easy anyway to actually flip your body on air and expecting the base people to save you no matter what happens. it aint her fault actually. she had some kind of muscle pull. but whatever it is, ZIRCON TOTALLY RAWKS!!!!

hm. now that everything has ended, im gonna miss the cheerleaders. helmi, saufi, munirah, mai, sarah, nadhirah, nadia, charmaine, ash, julie, shikin and hid. you guys are really a fun bunch of people. especially helmi,kak muni and saufi. though you three are our seniors, you treated us juniors like friends, even willing to listen to our suggestions and learning some steps from us. you guys really make good leaders man. see you guys in school ya.

oh yeah. and thanks to all the peeps who complimented my dance. appreciate that alot.

and not forgetting, my dearest gendut for trying to be as understanding as he can, even though i know there are times he feels fed-up. sorry if i neglected you in any ways. but everything's over now and i can spend as much time with you again.

farah, thanks for accompanying me on wednesday at gombak stadium yeah. your presence really cheered me up cause at least you proved that not everyone is as stuck up as *you-know-who*. haha. thanks sweetheart. u start school already right? wish you all the best. study hard. jgn fail 2 modules. and make sure you don't forget me.

so what shall i do this hols? i guess i'll be slacking like hell for three weeks. then i'll slog like fuck for the last week. maklumlah, bukak sch je dah mid yr exam seh. mesti nak kena pass. I DON'T WANNA RETAIN!!

here are my plans for the hols.

* go jogging. ( napfa test cumin! )
* shopping!!
* take the carlsberg tower.
* watch movies.
* spend as much time with my friends
* and of cause, my gendut.
* maybe take the hippo tour.
* and 1001 other shits

alrighty. guess that's all peeps. shall blog again tomorrow. or whenever i feel like it. tata.

2005-05-22T18:58:00.000+08:00

life is taking its toll on me. everything seems to be in a rush. time seems to past so fast. sleep is just a dream. waking up means another hectic day. why can't i just be left alone and not do anything?

i'm always being misunderstood. people have this thinking that i'm bad. that i'm wild. that i'm all the negative words in the dictionary. just because i don't look like a nice girl. does it matter? looks can be deceiving. what makes everybody think that those who dress skimpily are sluts? what makes people think that girls who cover up more that they should are angels? we are civilised people. the skin doesn't count anymore. it's the heart.

oh yeah. i'm gonna take up rizal's challenge. i'm on for it. he said i'm not what i am on the outside as in the inside. he said he doesn't want people to think differently of me. so rizal, here i go. we shall see aites?

gendut is out for one whole day today. with his family. miss him loads. when is he coming back?

anyway,had a stupid time wif farah just now. mepek seh. so full of craps. we were basically making a fool of ourselves. haha. we rarely get the chance to hang out now but when we do meet up, its completely crazy and fun. love you bitch.

have cheerleading practice tomorrow at gombak stadium. like what the fuck. stupid ah. purely rubbish. utterly merepek. waste of my fucking time. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck to the core.

alright peeps. shall blog again next time yeah. the tv waiting for me. stuart little. channel5 at 7.45pm. tata for now. *muackz.*

2005-05-20T22:38:00.000+08:00

omigawd..life has been really hectic for the past one week. so many stuffs to do and yet, so little time. haiz. im soOooOOooo tired right now. cheerleading, mock exams, homeworks, blablabla. i don't even have time for myself cause i keep having to run here and there. argh. hate this man. hope everything will be okay once the sports day is over. just wanna get done and over with it. and to gendut, a big apology to him for "neglecting" him. i know i didn't. its just that we don't get to meet often because of my schedule. i know he's trying hard to understand, but there are times i want him to support me in what i do too. its hard if he's not there for me, cause that put me into alot more stress as i have to divide my time between him, my school and myself. haiz.

anyway, i miss farah lots. didnt called her for like two days maybe? been really busy and tired sweetie. but no worries, i'll never forget this sweet sister of mine. eh bitch, u better be missing me too!

and nilam, u cute little thing! i wanna pinch u every single minute cause u'r just so irresistable. alamak. don't kembang eh. aku step puji je. collect pahala. ahakz. lame sak. sorry guys. i'm always full of craps. eh sab, aku teringat2 ah muke paul frank kau tu. haha. you guys shouls see it man. so fucking horrible. hehe. i know sab won't be reading this so with all sincerity, i take this chance to kutok her monyet face. haha. seriously burok nak mampos. beyond description. tak terkate. only one bloody word. just one. BURUK! oh yeah, not forgetting ama, u and your most irritating "dun lie ah". argh. wanna knock out all your teeth. haha. but its funny lah. the way u say it and your facial expression. haha. you make me laugh man.

to nunu, i would love to be part of that girlie outing. yay! the shots, the bitchings, the gossips, the whines, the high-pitched voice, the WHATEVER RELATED TO GIRLS. i'm becoming like a girl at last. it feels so good!! haha.

orite peeps. till we "meet" again, tata for now!!

2005-05-17T21:09:00.000+08:00

okay. i had a misunderstanding with firdaus just now. and it's not firdaus the fat asshole. but my cousin who's also schooling in M.I. well, basically, i thought he went against me so i was like kinda hurt. i smsed him telling him stuffz and he was like very apologetic. he told me that i got it all wrong. but you know me lah. i'm stubborn and ego so i didn't reply to his msgs and all. he smsed me 4 like so long and i only replyed three. ahakz. pity him. and he took the trouble to sms tutz and dinesh cause he really felt bad. aww.. so sweet. but being the headstrong girl i am, i still refuse to give in. so there he was waiting for me during break and i sort off give him a face and walked off. but, he still wouldn't give up. he went on smsing me and trying to pujok me with his sweet words. and even went all the way to lecture room to find me after school. that was went i finally gave him a chance to speak.

so we went to the canteen. like usual, all eyes were looking. busybody faggots i tell you. i sarcastically said to him, " eh tak malu ke if org nmpk? nanti dey gossip wat." but he was so sweet and kept on being patient. we sat and talked things out. i told him how i felt and he too. i wanted to cry actually but i held back my tears. i'm really egoistic. damn that man. he told me that the year 2 girls are always talking stuffs about me that it irritates him at time. and he went on telling me that they are really interested in my life that they kep asking if i had a boyfriend and shits like that. haiz. i feel suffocated man. but it was nice talking to fir. he was really comforting, telling me to ignore the girls cause they are just plain green-eyed bimbos. haha. i have to agree. definitely. there's more actually but my damn fingers are protesting to type. i'm glad i gave him and us a chance to make things clear.

oh yeah. i feel that our group is parting slowly. i know the reason why. personally, they still act normal and sweet towards me but not towards some. i wish i could do something about it but.......hm, okay let's just say that i don't wish to take sides. i have to agree why they felt that way cause in one way or another, i can relate to it. it aint nice to be backstabbing one another,especially if its from your own clique. feelings cannot be forced, but can be avoided if you avoid it in the first place. haiz. its sad man. but im glad they have nothing against me. and there's an extremely thin line between flirting and being friendly. i'm lost actually. i don't know what to do cause i can't talk this out. i know it doesnt concern me cause its "it" that they are going against,not me. but indirectly, it does affect me cause i am part of the group, and internal "fights" will involve everyone. what i'm certain of is, things will never be the same again.

Lesson 1: don't take what is your friends', even if it isn't official.
Lesson 2: always know your limit as a friend, a girl and a human.
Lesson 3: singapore is so small, millennia is even smaller and the truth will surfaced soon. or should i say, it already has?
Lesson 4: always know that what you do will affect everyone cause, we have to bear the bad names too.
Lesson 5: im backing off cause im the neutral party, and neutral party are supposed to shut the fuck up until our service is needed.

yeah, that's about it. hope this entry of mine will make things better. tata for now,peeps.